Shades of Gray

This week there has been a lot of talk about Andy Gray and Richard Keys, and the sexist comments they have made. I think I should add my two pence to the argument.

Andy Gray was wrong to say that Miss Massey did not know the offside rule, although the sentiment that most women do not know the offside rule is true. It is highly unlikely that she would have made it to her postion as linesma.... Sorry 'Assistant Referee', if she is not aware of the rules. That said, Howard Webb made it to his position as a referee and he doesn't seem to be aware of any other rule other than Man U must win.

However, Andy Gray's clip on camera where he makes sexual innuendo's which are totally inappropriate to a female colleage are enough to get him sacked on their own, and it was right that he was fired. He lacked the class to walk on his own accord, which would have been the honorable thing to do, and it is only right that he is left with what he counts as a 'reputation' in tatters.

I have heard mutterings from people that women say far more demeaning stuff about men and yet they are not forced to resign from their positions, and although this is not true, let us suppose for a minute it is; is this really that much different from servants talking behind the back of unjust masters?

Yes. I did go there. No matter how we wish to look at it, women are still disadvantaged in the work place when compared to their male counterparts. Women are still disadvantaged in many areas of society when it comes to their male counterparts. Women are still in many ways disadvantaged in the home when it comes to their male counterparts. And this is by no means to say that the law has everything right, because the complete opposite is true when it comes to children and paternal custody, but even this is steeped in the idea that women are better as homemakers than bread winners, and in some ways disadvantages them further.

I do not believe that this whole episode is a matter of political correctness gone wrong, but political correctness at its best.

Andy Gray and Richard Keys speak their opinions, no matter how idiotic (and they almost always are idiotic) to millions of people every week who for some reason take what they say as the gospel truth. Regardless of the fact that they thought they were making these remarks privately, in a studion anything can happen, and they should have been aware of this. They should also be aware of the impact of their opinions on the people that tune in to watch football but fail to mute their TV's. It sends out a negative message to women, it reinforces negative stereotypes of women in men, and it perpetuates the cycle.

I for one am glad to see women officials at mens sporting venues.

I look forward to the day when women also compete in the same sporting event and earn the same amount of money.

If only so I can here them complain that its not fair and the men are stronger, faster and more aggressive than they are.

You can't have your cake and eat it love...

Now run along and bring us a cuppa

The Pursuit of Happiness

Ask me what I want to be in life, and the answer you will invariably get back is, "To be happy!". It is my standard response, and the answer I believe to be the most accurate and truthful I can give, but I am now beginning to wonder if it is truly attainable, and if so, at what cost?

It is natural in life that we all want things, whether it be a nice house or a good job; to travel the world or settle down with a family. None of these things are wrong or bad, but what I am realising is that not all of the things I want in life are compatible with each other. It seems that with each dream comes a responsibility or worse still, consequences that will impact on other targets you have set in life. As a result, sometimes we just have to accept that we just can't have it all.

As things go, I think I am a pretty straight forward, simple and easy person to please, but as I sat down and thought about some of things I wanted in life, I realised that they were not always compatible with each other. For example, how does my love to travel marry to the fact that I have always wanted to have children and a family? For clarification, travel to me is not defined as a two week holiday lying on a beach somewhere. It requires a backpack, and sometimes taking the off beaten tracks; going where few people go and getting at the heart of the community and culture of a place. It requires immersion in the local community and culture and as such takes time. Such excursions are not suitable for young children. In the pursuit of my happiness do I just leave and do it? Or do I consider the happiness of others; a son who will miss his father, a wife who will miss her husband, a mother who will miss her son?

There are many other contradictory dreams that I have. I even have some dreams that are not contradictory but I do not pursue just because I know the impact that they will have on others. This realisation has forced me to rethink the concept of happiness and the pursuit of it.

Happiness is not hedonism.

Ones pleasures in life will almost always come at the cost of someone else. The promotion at work, the courtside tickets, the lottery win, even right down to the woman/man that you love, will come at the cost of someone elses ambitions, hopes, dreams or desires. With this in mind, the concept of happiness originating from what I personally gain slowly drops away, and the more I find happiness in what others gain.

That does not mean I stop wanting or dreaming for things, but it does mean that when I get the things that I truly want, I understand that the true value of them is not simply measured by what I have gained, it also measured by what others have lost.

Fly away...

"If you ever want something badly, let it go. If it comes back to you, then it's yours forever. If it doesn't, then it was never yours to begin with."

That quote is taken from the movie 'Indecent Proposal' and Diana (played by Demi Moore) has split up with her husband due to them both making a mistake. It is a line I have thought about over a number of years now, and I am not sure I can agree with it.

I guess the first issue I take with it is that surely if you really wanted something, or someone so badly you would fight for them. Just to show you how ludicris this statement is, imagine you had a Rolex. A truly pimped out Rolex. Diamonds in the bezel, the face and the strap. Would you allow someone to mug you for it without resistance, and then say "Oh well. Since I really want it, I will let it go in the hope that the nice mugger will return it to me!".

I cannot imagin anyone saying yes to the above scenario, but if you did, please by yourself a nice Rolex. I need a new watch.

My other issues with this statement I guess revolve around the fact that just because someone (because the statement is really about a person), one can never be sure of the reasons that this person is returning to you. In the movie the two main characters do return to each other because they love each other, but lets be real, that's Hollywood. Life is rarely like that.

If someone returns to you it is likely to be because they are alone and know that they can find comfort with you. Or perhaps it is because they have nowhere else to go. At times it may even be because they are bored and having nothing better to do.

Even worse than all of these scenarios perhaps is the fact that the other person might get lost whilst trying to find their way back to you. And that is possibly the cruelest fate of all.

But I did say life is rarely like that. It is good to remember that there are occasional moments of inspiration.

I guess for a few, for the very small minority out there, this statement can come true. And if it does, it is something to be treasured, for we rarely get a second chance at the good things in our life.

I have learnt that the things in life I value, I need to fight for. It is only after fighting for them, that you then let it go free...

Knowning that just because it has returned, it does not mean that it has returned as yours.

Memories

One of the most treasured possessions any of us can ever have are our memories. Memories are powerful in that they can help shape our futures or have impact on us and how we interact with others.

My childhood memories are perhaps my most precious, and hence why I choose not to share them with people. For the lucky ones that I may have told anything, you can know that you are very special to me.

One memory in particular has shaped my relationship with my mother in my adult years, and perhaps if I had not been such a wild teenager, my mother would have had an even more perfect son. Thats right. I am not ashamed to admit it. I am a perfect son. And have been referred to as a 'Mommy's boy' on many occassions. Although I will not go into the details of what this memory is, I will say it showed me the depth of my mothers love not just for me, but for all her children and the sacrifices that she was willing to make in order to make us happy.

This memory has served not only to strengthen my relationship with my mother as an adult, but has also inspired me to try and be an even better parent to my son, to spend time with him, and create memories that will hopefully stay with him and keep us close in his adult years.

Similarly I have had negative experiences that have also shaped me as a person. I can remember being racially abused on a daily basis as a child, both physically and verbally, when I was at primary school. I had it from teachers, from parents, from class mates, and that too shaped me; and perhaps not for the best. I was always ready to fight. I would hear the sound 'Ni....' and it was fight on... For all I knew someone was trying to tell me 'Nice hair cut!'... but I was so accustomed to being called 'nigger', that is all I ever heard. These memories and experiences made me hard of heart and angry.

So what is my point?

Today, you will leave impressions and memories on people. You may not even be aware that you are doing so. My mother does not know the impression her memory left on me, I have never told her despite its huge impact. The question is will those memories be good ones or bad ones?

You have an opportunity in your dealings with people to shape their personalities and their lives, both future and present, but will you build them up or bring them down?

Truth or Lies?

'Do I look fat?'

A line I have heard in many a sitcom, and from different people over my lifetime. Sometimes I have to ask if that is actually a trick question. Of course, I am not stupid enough to utter those words audibly, but in my head I shout it so loud it positively reverberates throughout my entire body. But the question is, should I be honest? Should I tell the truth in a manner that is a bit more sensitive than the response in my head?

I used to think you should tell the truth at all times, but now I am not so sure. Telling the truth is a concept that should be motivated at lessening the pain to others as well as ourselves, but if saying nothing, or even telling an untruth is going to spare someones feelings, then I am beginning to see the legitimacy in that too.

I was told I see the world in black and white and failed to see the areas of grey, and there are those that would see this change in my thinking as a move from this position; but I don't.

The world is still black and white.

I am just still learning about the principles that guide it.