Amen. Hallelujah. Praise the Lord.
Everyone... Elvis has left the building.
Ok, maybe not Elvis, but Diana Vickers certainly has and that is reason enough for me to be elated. I mean, who told her to use four letter words on national TV before watershed? I have been told she actually said 'ship', but anyone who watched that performance will be able to tell you that that is not the case.
For the past few weeks, I have been going on and on and on about how she needs to go home, and it seems that God has blessed me with a belated birthday present. There will be no more homeless tinkerbell looking, straggled cat sounding, Worzel Gummidge hybrid gracing my Saturday evening TV screen, and I really cannot put into words the joy I felt when it was announced that she was leaving.
But now she has left, we can concentrate on more positive things. I mean how great is Alexandra? She is phenomenal. I mean, I wouldn't buy her album but I do confess, I would probably download it. She is good enough to grace a bigger stage already, and after some coaching and further mentoring, she could very well become a global superstar. She was given two very difficult songs to sing, and nailed them both. Having watched many talent shows, I can honestly say, not many people even attempt to perform Toni Braxton's 'Unbreak My Heart', let alone not manage to leave me crying tears of laughter at them when they have finished. I seriously suggest if you haven't seen any of Alexandra Burke's performances you search for her on You Tube.
Well... I am off to watch the Footie.
Liverpool won. Diana Vickers has gone home.
It must be my birthday all over again!
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Saturday 6 December 2008
Friday 5 December 2008
Pimpology 101 Pt IV
Of the aforementioned drawbacks, the ultimate one is the worst and most worrying. Chicks, should be treated like any wild animal that has been tamed; no matter how much training it has had, you never turn your back on it. A prime example of this must be Lorena Bobbitt; the infamous chick who chopped of her husbands pipe. Although it was wrong, this chick did have mitigating circumstances as he did wife her, and as such should have retired from the game. A better example is perhaps of the young man, who had his chick put acid around the seat of his toilet bowl, so that when he went to… handle his business he received burns around the back of his legs. There are numerous other horrific tales of chicks turned mad. Such chicks are to shunned for the rabid dogs that they are. The only pity is that unlike a rabid dog, they cannot be put down. Of all the chicks to turn crazy, Guyanese women and Jamaican women are the worst. Guyanese women are sly and sneaky in their plotting and are the more dangerous of the two. Jamaican women are just straight up, out and out ghetto, and are thus easier to manage.
To a pimp, image is everything. As such a pimp takes every possible care to ensure that his woman is up to date, or like Sean Paul he will have to deport them, especially if they are fresh from yard, as chances are they are a ‘fugee any way. A pimp will also endeavour to make sure that she is good looking and has a banging body. Of course he will have some borderline and two bag chicks, but they are kept in (preferably stained) glass cases ie Break only in an emergency. Or they will have special skills which enable him not to have to look at them.
Glossary of Terms
Beating – Sex.
Brain Surgeon – A chick that gives good head
Breakers - Buff
Buisness Chicks – Commonly referred to as chicks, they are women that you are ‘seeing’
Buss a nut – Can either be used to mean sex or to climax
Caddy – Although this is also the name given to the guy that carries your golf clubs, in this case it is the nick name given to a Cadillac.
Chick pool – The name given to the collection of girls that you and your crew know and are available on a free transfer.
Crew – Your good friends.
Flipmode – Not the group associated with musical hits such as ‘Gimme Some More’, but a successful pimping cartel.
Hag/s – Female or females that you would only beat when in dire need to hit the twizza. Be warned some hags are seductive.
Hit the twizza – Have sex
Hitting – Having sex
Ho – A chick that has many pimps. Also known as a sket.
Homies – This is not the plural form of the shortened word for homosexual. It in fact means your close friends.
Iceberg Slim – A notorious pimp from Chicago who later became an author. Not to be confused with some weak, punk @$$ British wannabe rapper.
Interference – The term used when one pimp distracts the attentions of a cock blocking chick so that a colleague can sign the exclusive rights to her friend.
Laying Pipe – Having sex
Loot – Money or belongings of value
Nuni – A derivative of ‘nani, which is an abbreviation for punani.
O.P – Original Pimp
On road – In public
Pipe – Male genitalia. Also known as a ‘Tool’.
Pleasure Chick – People often take this term the wrong way, these are actually chicks with which your relationship is strictly platonic.
Primary Pimp – A chicks main pimp, or only pimp.
S.C.O.P – Standard Code Of Practice
Seed – Male genitalia
The Game – Pimping
Tool – See Pipe
Two Bag Chick – A chick that when you are intimate with her you require two paper bags. One for her, and one for you in case hers falls off.
What’s Your Point Mentality – To have a nonchalant attitude to what is being said or done.
Wife – The woman you stood before God and pledged your life to.
Wifey – A personal chick. A chick you have a monogamous relationship with.
Yang – See Pipe
To a pimp, image is everything. As such a pimp takes every possible care to ensure that his woman is up to date, or like Sean Paul he will have to deport them, especially if they are fresh from yard, as chances are they are a ‘fugee any way. A pimp will also endeavour to make sure that she is good looking and has a banging body. Of course he will have some borderline and two bag chicks, but they are kept in (preferably stained) glass cases ie Break only in an emergency. Or they will have special skills which enable him not to have to look at them.
Glossary of Terms
Beating – Sex.
Brain Surgeon – A chick that gives good head
Breakers - Buff
Buisness Chicks – Commonly referred to as chicks, they are women that you are ‘seeing’
Buss a nut – Can either be used to mean sex or to climax
Caddy – Although this is also the name given to the guy that carries your golf clubs, in this case it is the nick name given to a Cadillac.
Chick pool – The name given to the collection of girls that you and your crew know and are available on a free transfer.
Crew – Your good friends.
Flipmode – Not the group associated with musical hits such as ‘Gimme Some More’, but a successful pimping cartel.
Hag/s – Female or females that you would only beat when in dire need to hit the twizza. Be warned some hags are seductive.
Hit the twizza – Have sex
Hitting – Having sex
Ho – A chick that has many pimps. Also known as a sket.
Homies – This is not the plural form of the shortened word for homosexual. It in fact means your close friends.
Iceberg Slim – A notorious pimp from Chicago who later became an author. Not to be confused with some weak, punk @$$ British wannabe rapper.
Interference – The term used when one pimp distracts the attentions of a cock blocking chick so that a colleague can sign the exclusive rights to her friend.
Laying Pipe – Having sex
Loot – Money or belongings of value
Nuni – A derivative of ‘nani, which is an abbreviation for punani.
O.P – Original Pimp
On road – In public
Pipe – Male genitalia. Also known as a ‘Tool’.
Pleasure Chick – People often take this term the wrong way, these are actually chicks with which your relationship is strictly platonic.
Primary Pimp – A chicks main pimp, or only pimp.
S.C.O.P – Standard Code Of Practice
Seed – Male genitalia
The Game – Pimping
Tool – See Pipe
Two Bag Chick – A chick that when you are intimate with her you require two paper bags. One for her, and one for you in case hers falls off.
What’s Your Point Mentality – To have a nonchalant attitude to what is being said or done.
Wife – The woman you stood before God and pledged your life to.
Wifey – A personal chick. A chick you have a monogamous relationship with.
Yang – See Pipe
Thursday 4 December 2008
Pimpology 101 Pt III
Invaluable to a pimp is his individuality. After all what makes you different to all those other pimps out there? In birds for example, it is the bird with the brightest colours; amongst pimps it is the pimp with the biggest yang and who knows how to wield it. Eight Inches and a woman will think your Don Juan. Ten Inches, she will be saying ‘Ay Papi’. Six inches, and you might as well sign up to the circus as a side show freak. However, as stated earlier, size is not the only criteria that matters. A pimp must know how to use his tool. New initiates to ‘The Game’ commonly refer to or make use of books such as the Kama Sutra, believing it to be the ultimate manual to the use of the tool; but a true O.P will understand that such books only give rough pointers. The best way to use your tool is with a lot of imagination and creativity; never underestimating the power of spontaneity, and to always have an open mind.
As mentioned earlier business meetings are invaluable to a pimp. It is advised that new pimps, or pimps that have relocated to a new area quickly find some of their colleagues that are already well established. Cartel’s such as Flipmode are an international institution with business in countries such as the US, Jamaica, Bermuda, Israel, and the UK. Their reputation is outstanding, and they are always willing to welcome new members with potential to their ranks. Joining such Cartels will give you automatic access to a chick pool, keep you informed of what is going on, and also provide you with a list of hags for when, due to unforeseen circumstances your chicks are unavailable and you need to buss a nut. Joining such cartels will also help you in your efforts to sign the exclusive pimping rights of chicks, such as members running interference, providing alibi’s when you are seeing your other chicks, and providing false character references. The latter reason is one example of why a pimp must make all efforts to stay anonymous.
Despite the glamour and benefits associated with being a pimp, one must not overlook the responsibilities of a pimp. Many references have been made to the chick pool, and rightly so for this is the well spring on which a pimp community survives. It is a pimps duty and responsibility to ensure that this valuable resource never dies or gets so low that all pimps within the cartel are rationed to having primary rights to one chick only. When this happens, scandals associated with companies such as Enron will occur on a large scale, and the less successful pimps will highly inflate the figures of the number of chicks they have rights to. When a pimp brings a chick into the chick pool, he opens up avenues to increase the chick pool, as all chicks have friends. Encouraging the initial chick to bring some friends along to meet your colleagues is one such way of expanding the chick pool. Admittedly the first encounter is a bit like a lucky dip, but during this initial encounter skilful pimps will manipulate the situation so that those that he has no interest in, will not attend future selection sessions. Eventually, he will have a scenario rather like a buffet or pick ‘n’ mix where he can select only those that he wants; and it is these that are brought into the chick pool.
Another responsibility of a pimp is to take responsibility of his children should he have any. As a community we do not advocate dead beat fathers for it is the duty of a pimp to teach all his sons the tricks of the trade, and to ensure that his daughters are educated so as not to end up in a chick pool. Some may argue that pimps educating their daughters about the tricks of the trade is defeatist and will eventually lead to the extinction of our community, nothing could be further from the truth. All such a practice does is weed out the weak from the strong; survival of the fittest in its purist form. A pimp must adapt to his surroundings or die.
Community responsibility is something that pimps take very seriously. As such any chicks within the chick pool with short comings must be reported to the cartel as soon as possible. This rule must not be broken even if it means reporting on one of your pleasure chicks. Such a practice exists not for personal reasons but for practical ones. For example, as unbelievable as this may sound, assume a chick did not like giving brain and one of your colleagues was looking for a brain surgeon and thought that she was a possible candidate. Valuable time would be wasted interviewing a chick who was not suitable to the post. Reporting such deficiencies within a chick as soon as possible only ensures that the cartel can be more productive and efficient. As a rule it does not lead to expulsion from the chick pool for the person in question.
In order to minimise occurrences such as the one given in the example above, it is important that as a pimp you only select chicks of the highest quality. As such fake chicks are usually dismissed as viable candidates for the chick pool. The only rubber a pimp expects to feel when he is with his chick is his Magnum.
Like any other occupation, pimping does have its draw backs. The biggest of these is job security. Pimping is a dog eat dog world, and unless your game is tight, you will be made redundant before you are even aware of it. However a pimp with tight game can have a job life until he needs viagra or until the day he dies, which ever should happen to come first. Hugh Hefner being a prime example. (Although real pimps do question the quality of his chick pool.) Other draw backs of the occupation are long hours, lack of social stability, and a high risk of personal injury.
Soon coming, Pt IV of Pimpology 101 inc. Glossary of terms.
As mentioned earlier business meetings are invaluable to a pimp. It is advised that new pimps, or pimps that have relocated to a new area quickly find some of their colleagues that are already well established. Cartel’s such as Flipmode are an international institution with business in countries such as the US, Jamaica, Bermuda, Israel, and the UK. Their reputation is outstanding, and they are always willing to welcome new members with potential to their ranks. Joining such Cartels will give you automatic access to a chick pool, keep you informed of what is going on, and also provide you with a list of hags for when, due to unforeseen circumstances your chicks are unavailable and you need to buss a nut. Joining such cartels will also help you in your efforts to sign the exclusive pimping rights of chicks, such as members running interference, providing alibi’s when you are seeing your other chicks, and providing false character references. The latter reason is one example of why a pimp must make all efforts to stay anonymous.
Despite the glamour and benefits associated with being a pimp, one must not overlook the responsibilities of a pimp. Many references have been made to the chick pool, and rightly so for this is the well spring on which a pimp community survives. It is a pimps duty and responsibility to ensure that this valuable resource never dies or gets so low that all pimps within the cartel are rationed to having primary rights to one chick only. When this happens, scandals associated with companies such as Enron will occur on a large scale, and the less successful pimps will highly inflate the figures of the number of chicks they have rights to. When a pimp brings a chick into the chick pool, he opens up avenues to increase the chick pool, as all chicks have friends. Encouraging the initial chick to bring some friends along to meet your colleagues is one such way of expanding the chick pool. Admittedly the first encounter is a bit like a lucky dip, but during this initial encounter skilful pimps will manipulate the situation so that those that he has no interest in, will not attend future selection sessions. Eventually, he will have a scenario rather like a buffet or pick ‘n’ mix where he can select only those that he wants; and it is these that are brought into the chick pool.
Another responsibility of a pimp is to take responsibility of his children should he have any. As a community we do not advocate dead beat fathers for it is the duty of a pimp to teach all his sons the tricks of the trade, and to ensure that his daughters are educated so as not to end up in a chick pool. Some may argue that pimps educating their daughters about the tricks of the trade is defeatist and will eventually lead to the extinction of our community, nothing could be further from the truth. All such a practice does is weed out the weak from the strong; survival of the fittest in its purist form. A pimp must adapt to his surroundings or die.
Community responsibility is something that pimps take very seriously. As such any chicks within the chick pool with short comings must be reported to the cartel as soon as possible. This rule must not be broken even if it means reporting on one of your pleasure chicks. Such a practice exists not for personal reasons but for practical ones. For example, as unbelievable as this may sound, assume a chick did not like giving brain and one of your colleagues was looking for a brain surgeon and thought that she was a possible candidate. Valuable time would be wasted interviewing a chick who was not suitable to the post. Reporting such deficiencies within a chick as soon as possible only ensures that the cartel can be more productive and efficient. As a rule it does not lead to expulsion from the chick pool for the person in question.
In order to minimise occurrences such as the one given in the example above, it is important that as a pimp you only select chicks of the highest quality. As such fake chicks are usually dismissed as viable candidates for the chick pool. The only rubber a pimp expects to feel when he is with his chick is his Magnum.
Like any other occupation, pimping does have its draw backs. The biggest of these is job security. Pimping is a dog eat dog world, and unless your game is tight, you will be made redundant before you are even aware of it. However a pimp with tight game can have a job life until he needs viagra or until the day he dies, which ever should happen to come first. Hugh Hefner being a prime example. (Although real pimps do question the quality of his chick pool.) Other draw backs of the occupation are long hours, lack of social stability, and a high risk of personal injury.
Soon coming, Pt IV of Pimpology 101 inc. Glossary of terms.
Wednesday 3 December 2008
I WON!!!
I won a national photographic competion!
I am real excited by this. Ok so it isn't the Shell Photographer of the Year Award, or the Tate or something of that level, but it is a start. And I would like to thank the other half for submitting the entry for me, hence why it is under her name.
If anyone wants prints please feel free to let me know, and I am sure we can come to an amicable understanding. ;-)
I have been studying for my greek exam and its doing my head in. Its not that I don't enjoy it, its simply that I don't get it. It has me so frustrated that my hair is turning grey at an increasing pace. Still, thats life I guess.
Well... Some of you wanted Pimpology 101 Pt.II so here it is...
I am real excited by this. Ok so it isn't the Shell Photographer of the Year Award, or the Tate or something of that level, but it is a start. And I would like to thank the other half for submitting the entry for me, hence why it is under her name.
If anyone wants prints please feel free to let me know, and I am sure we can come to an amicable understanding. ;-)
I have been studying for my greek exam and its doing my head in. Its not that I don't enjoy it, its simply that I don't get it. It has me so frustrated that my hair is turning grey at an increasing pace. Still, thats life I guess.
Well... Some of you wanted Pimpology 101 Pt.II so here it is...
Pimpology 101 cont.
As well as not having a weak disposition, a pimp must have a strong will and unwavering self belief, because just as only a fool has no fear, only the truly dumb believe that nuni cannot whip. Nuni is a potent weapon when used correctly, but not all nuni is of the same potency. A chick that can ride like she is Frankie Dettori going up the home straight of the Grand National is a danger to any pimp, as it is the jockey with the whip and the bridle. However, it is pimps that are the stallions, and although for the most part patience is a very much exercised virtue, every now and then a pimp must buck to let chicks know that the idea that they are on top and in control is all an illusion. When a chick tries to break a pimp, he must always stand firm in his belief that although punani is power, it is the dick that rules. Also to be wary of are chicks with more carpet burns on their knees than a nun, for they add a whole new dimension to the term ‘brain washing’. Many a pimp has been lost along the way due to such underhanded techniques as this. Its power of persuasion is not to be taken lightly.
A common misconception is that one needs to have a lot of money to become a pimp. This, however could not be further from the truth. The essentials for a pimp are gift of the gab, confidence, 10 inches and the ability to rock the body till the early light. This does not by any means indicate that should you win the lottery you turn it down, because it is undeniable that money does make starting your own business, easier; Money, no matter how much you have will never make up for game that’s tight. A rich pimp who’s game is weak, is going to lose his chick to a pimp who’s game is tight, and end up being pimped when all his loot is taken and given to the poorer pimp.
As we can see a flash car is helpful to a pimp, but it is not an essential piece of equipment to a pimp. In truth, there are only two material things that are essential to a pimp and they are every day items in today’s society. The first is a mobile phone, for it is impossible to stay in control of your chicks unless you are available 24/7/365. This is where pay as you go comes in useful; SIM cards are cheap, and on top of that, its your chicks that buy you the credit, thus lowering your over heads. An added benefit to mobile phones is that you can attribute distinctive rings to your phone so that you need never glance away from the TV screen when playing FIFA 2004 to check whether you want to take the call or not. The other option is to let the chick you are with answer the phone, but this could present problems depending on whether she is fully trained or not ie a fully trained chick will not search your phone, a poorly trained chick will delete other chicks numbers from your phone. However, all pimps must remember to always make use of one function of their phone – KEY LOCK. Many a pimp has lost either a chick or an interviewee simply by being on his secondary phone, and not having his primary on key lock. The second essential item is condoms. Gangstas carry guns, pimps carry protection. Gangstas carry Uzi’s, but a pimp carries a Magnum. Trojan Magnum that is. In the society we live in today the diseases that are running rampant can easily force a pimp into early retirement on the grounds of ill health. Add to this the chances of him spreading his diseases around and depleting the number of chicks available for pimpage, and the conclusion is unanimous – GET THE STRAP OR GET THE CLAP.
Anonymity. Failing to keep their identity and details about their life secret has brought about the premature retirement of many a pimp. It is taken as S.C.O.P that details such as your home phone number and address are NEVER given out for any reason. Broken windows are expensive to replace! However, by minimising the details that you give your chicks, you are effectively decreasing the chances of you getting discovered as they do not have enough information to cross reference with each other and thus establish your identity should they ever happen to bump into each other or be friends/cousins/acquaintances. The flamboyant image of bright colours, a chromed out caddy and tiger skin seat covers, are all stereotypical images of pimps portrayed by the movies. If you seek to buy into this idea of what a pimp is about your identity will be about as secret as James Bond’s – the secret agent who’s identity everyone knows. It should also be added that you should not attempt to copy the image of Dolemite. That is akin to hanging a neon sign over your head and screaming ‘I’m a pimp… I’m a pimp’. Not to mention half of his activities would land you in jail, leaving you to get butt raped and call some big black dude called Tyrone your ‘Pimp Daddy’.
To further minimise your chances of being exposed, we also recommend that your chicks should meet as few of your friends as possible. A careless word could soon find you with a red hand print across your face. (At this point we advise you to caution the offending chick that she must never ever raise her hand to you again, and should your warning should go unheeded you will not be responsible for your actions.) Or worse still, she may even vandalise your car, expose your actions to her friends, or kick you in the seed. Of these last three the exposure to her friends could potentially be the most damaging, or the least. This is all dependent on whether you are hitting her friends already or not.
But above all, never, and for the sake of importance it must be said again, NEVER take a chick home to meet the parents unless you are retiring from the game. Should your mother inadvertently call her by the wrong name, your best laid plans could come unravelled when you leave and she asks, ‘So, who is (insert a chicks name here)?’. Beware! This is a trick question and any resulting answer will lead to an argument of such proportions that disciplining your chick will be a necessity. Should you answer, this questions stating that ‘Shaynee’ is the name of your ex girlfriend, you will instantly be hit with a statement to the effect of why is your mother calling her by your ex’s name. If you answer the question telling her that it is the name of one of your pleasure chicks, then you will be confronted with having to explain to her why your family don’t know enough about her to get her name correct? The safe answer would be to simply say that Shaynee is a family member right? Wrong! Having been to a family event once, this chick will want to come again and again; and at every family event she will be on the look out for your ‘cousin’, Shaynee. After about two years (assuming she is around for that long!) be prepared for the question, ‘So why haven’t I met your cousin Shaynee yet?’. Women are like elephants. Some are built like one, but they all have a memory like one.
Coming Soon Pimpology 101 Pt. III
As well as not having a weak disposition, a pimp must have a strong will and unwavering self belief, because just as only a fool has no fear, only the truly dumb believe that nuni cannot whip. Nuni is a potent weapon when used correctly, but not all nuni is of the same potency. A chick that can ride like she is Frankie Dettori going up the home straight of the Grand National is a danger to any pimp, as it is the jockey with the whip and the bridle. However, it is pimps that are the stallions, and although for the most part patience is a very much exercised virtue, every now and then a pimp must buck to let chicks know that the idea that they are on top and in control is all an illusion. When a chick tries to break a pimp, he must always stand firm in his belief that although punani is power, it is the dick that rules. Also to be wary of are chicks with more carpet burns on their knees than a nun, for they add a whole new dimension to the term ‘brain washing’. Many a pimp has been lost along the way due to such underhanded techniques as this. Its power of persuasion is not to be taken lightly.
A common misconception is that one needs to have a lot of money to become a pimp. This, however could not be further from the truth. The essentials for a pimp are gift of the gab, confidence, 10 inches and the ability to rock the body till the early light. This does not by any means indicate that should you win the lottery you turn it down, because it is undeniable that money does make starting your own business, easier; Money, no matter how much you have will never make up for game that’s tight. A rich pimp who’s game is weak, is going to lose his chick to a pimp who’s game is tight, and end up being pimped when all his loot is taken and given to the poorer pimp.
As we can see a flash car is helpful to a pimp, but it is not an essential piece of equipment to a pimp. In truth, there are only two material things that are essential to a pimp and they are every day items in today’s society. The first is a mobile phone, for it is impossible to stay in control of your chicks unless you are available 24/7/365. This is where pay as you go comes in useful; SIM cards are cheap, and on top of that, its your chicks that buy you the credit, thus lowering your over heads. An added benefit to mobile phones is that you can attribute distinctive rings to your phone so that you need never glance away from the TV screen when playing FIFA 2004 to check whether you want to take the call or not. The other option is to let the chick you are with answer the phone, but this could present problems depending on whether she is fully trained or not ie a fully trained chick will not search your phone, a poorly trained chick will delete other chicks numbers from your phone. However, all pimps must remember to always make use of one function of their phone – KEY LOCK. Many a pimp has lost either a chick or an interviewee simply by being on his secondary phone, and not having his primary on key lock. The second essential item is condoms. Gangstas carry guns, pimps carry protection. Gangstas carry Uzi’s, but a pimp carries a Magnum. Trojan Magnum that is. In the society we live in today the diseases that are running rampant can easily force a pimp into early retirement on the grounds of ill health. Add to this the chances of him spreading his diseases around and depleting the number of chicks available for pimpage, and the conclusion is unanimous – GET THE STRAP OR GET THE CLAP.
Anonymity. Failing to keep their identity and details about their life secret has brought about the premature retirement of many a pimp. It is taken as S.C.O.P that details such as your home phone number and address are NEVER given out for any reason. Broken windows are expensive to replace! However, by minimising the details that you give your chicks, you are effectively decreasing the chances of you getting discovered as they do not have enough information to cross reference with each other and thus establish your identity should they ever happen to bump into each other or be friends/cousins/acquaintances. The flamboyant image of bright colours, a chromed out caddy and tiger skin seat covers, are all stereotypical images of pimps portrayed by the movies. If you seek to buy into this idea of what a pimp is about your identity will be about as secret as James Bond’s – the secret agent who’s identity everyone knows. It should also be added that you should not attempt to copy the image of Dolemite. That is akin to hanging a neon sign over your head and screaming ‘I’m a pimp… I’m a pimp’. Not to mention half of his activities would land you in jail, leaving you to get butt raped and call some big black dude called Tyrone your ‘Pimp Daddy’.
To further minimise your chances of being exposed, we also recommend that your chicks should meet as few of your friends as possible. A careless word could soon find you with a red hand print across your face. (At this point we advise you to caution the offending chick that she must never ever raise her hand to you again, and should your warning should go unheeded you will not be responsible for your actions.) Or worse still, she may even vandalise your car, expose your actions to her friends, or kick you in the seed. Of these last three the exposure to her friends could potentially be the most damaging, or the least. This is all dependent on whether you are hitting her friends already or not.
But above all, never, and for the sake of importance it must be said again, NEVER take a chick home to meet the parents unless you are retiring from the game. Should your mother inadvertently call her by the wrong name, your best laid plans could come unravelled when you leave and she asks, ‘So, who is (insert a chicks name here)?’. Beware! This is a trick question and any resulting answer will lead to an argument of such proportions that disciplining your chick will be a necessity. Should you answer, this questions stating that ‘Shaynee’ is the name of your ex girlfriend, you will instantly be hit with a statement to the effect of why is your mother calling her by your ex’s name. If you answer the question telling her that it is the name of one of your pleasure chicks, then you will be confronted with having to explain to her why your family don’t know enough about her to get her name correct? The safe answer would be to simply say that Shaynee is a family member right? Wrong! Having been to a family event once, this chick will want to come again and again; and at every family event she will be on the look out for your ‘cousin’, Shaynee. After about two years (assuming she is around for that long!) be prepared for the question, ‘So why haven’t I met your cousin Shaynee yet?’. Women are like elephants. Some are built like one, but they all have a memory like one.
Coming Soon Pimpology 101 Pt. III
Tuesday 2 December 2008
Pimpology 101 Pt.I
Ok.. as promised, here comes Pimpology 101. I wrote this years ago whilst bored at work one day (ahh the things BT paid me to do), so I do not claim to practice (or ever have practiced) what is laid out below.
‘Pimpin’ aint easy’ Jay-Z once said, and although this is true, somebody has got to do it. The mistaken belief however is that everyone can be a pimp, and this simply is not the case. To be a pimp one must be of good moral upstanding, as well as possessing many virtues such as strength, stamina, and a good memory.
Pimpin is a demanding occupation. It requires you to be on call 24/7 and as such leaves no such time for one to have a family; or at least a conventional idea of one. This is due to one of the first rules of pimping and that is that you cannot have a wifey or wife. However, the benefits of this do outweigh the disadvantages as you are still allowed to have many children, AND with many different women should you so choose. Of course, should you be a small time pimp and your hoes are collecting benefits, you are entitled to your usual percentage of their earnings. This can either be collected in cold hard cash or lavish gifts. If you are in the upper echelons of pimp society, then it should come as standard that you will have been receiving these ‘gifts’ already.
As a pimp you will be required to remember small details such as names, are you her primary pimp, when did you last call her/see her etc. Failure to remember such details could lead to a immediate termination of your rights to be one of her pimps or even her primary for this we advocate you either have a damn good memory or a Sony Clio with colour screen and built in digital camera. One small tip to help you get out of a tight fix is to call all your chicks, whether business chicks or pleasure chicks, ‘Hon’. That way you never need to remember names, should you encounter them on the street, you simply greet them with ‘Hey Hon, how you doin?…’. Another tip is that unless you are absolutely sure that you had the contract to be her primary pimp, should you see her on road with another pimp is to keep on walking and take it up with her later. It might be you got it twisted in thinking she was one of your chicks, and she is actually a ho.
To be a pimp you must also be honest. The pimp community frowns upon those that disobey the ninth Biblical commandment, and our first – ‘Thou shalt not lie’. The translation of this means that under no circumstances do you tell a woman ‘Honey, I love you!’ just to hit the twizza. It is a cardinal sin, and is punishable by excommunication. To tell a woman such abominable lies, only to be caught with her sister two days later will bring shame upon the entire order.
In relation to the subject of being caught with another of your women, it is strongly accepted that you adopt one of two stances depending on your level of game. Should your game be strong, we advocate a ‘What’s Your Point Mentality’. This is to have a completely nonchalant attitude to being caught red handed, and if your game has truly reached ‘Iceberg Slim’ proportions, we recommend that you even attempt the line, ‘Hon, the more the merrier! Why don’t you get undressed and come join in?’ (Please note the observation of protocol. No chick has been called by their name). The second stance we advocate is a legal one, it is known as ‘Plausible Deniability’. In other words, make like Shaggy, ‘It wasn’t me!’. If you are ever accused of doing something, deny it. If you are caught in the act of laying pipe, under the theory of plausible deniability you deny everything, including the idea that you are you. As soon as you can you contact one of your boys and get them to provide an alibi. Of course, if neither of the chicks are actually breakers, and the sex isn’t that great you could just give them both the finger and leave.
Do not playa hate or cock block.. No pimp owns a monopoly on any of their chicks. Game is game and it will speak for its self. This means that when another pimp moves onto your territory, you defend yourself not with violence, or by hating, but by bringing your game up to another level. Cock blocking and hating is deemed fratricide and is scorned upon. The laws against cock blocking also apply to unsigned chicks, in which two or more parties are competing for her signature. In relation to playa hating, should any of your crew also be pimps, we recommend that you hold regular business meetings to discuss who is pimping who, and who has made a contract offer to whom. This is to prevent accidental cock blocking. Such meetings are also good for letting one another know who has released whom from contract and is thus back in the ‘chick pool’, after all as the song says, ‘It ain’t no fun if my homies cant have none.’.
It is also advised that those of a weak disposition do not seek to take up such a rigorous occupation. The long hours coupled with the vigorous activity that you will undoubtedly have to undertake to become and stay successful, will take a vicious toll on ones body and those who lack a strong yang will suffer burn out long before their mid 30’s. It is also advised that those of a sensitive disposition do not seek to undertake pimping as it will on occasions be necessary to discipline your chicks. However we do not condone the use of physical force unless used for defence; we are pimps, not woman beaters. Any discipline can be, but not strictly limited to, the withholding of the pipe, a good cussing, or exposing to her that you have just finished giving her best friend/sister/mother/daughter (please delete as applicable) a good beating.
PART 2 COMING SOON
Hitchhikers Guide to Pimpology
(Pimpology 101)
(Pimpology 101)
‘Pimpin’ aint easy’ Jay-Z once said, and although this is true, somebody has got to do it. The mistaken belief however is that everyone can be a pimp, and this simply is not the case. To be a pimp one must be of good moral upstanding, as well as possessing many virtues such as strength, stamina, and a good memory.
Pimpin is a demanding occupation. It requires you to be on call 24/7 and as such leaves no such time for one to have a family; or at least a conventional idea of one. This is due to one of the first rules of pimping and that is that you cannot have a wifey or wife. However, the benefits of this do outweigh the disadvantages as you are still allowed to have many children, AND with many different women should you so choose. Of course, should you be a small time pimp and your hoes are collecting benefits, you are entitled to your usual percentage of their earnings. This can either be collected in cold hard cash or lavish gifts. If you are in the upper echelons of pimp society, then it should come as standard that you will have been receiving these ‘gifts’ already.
As a pimp you will be required to remember small details such as names, are you her primary pimp, when did you last call her/see her etc. Failure to remember such details could lead to a immediate termination of your rights to be one of her pimps or even her primary for this we advocate you either have a damn good memory or a Sony Clio with colour screen and built in digital camera. One small tip to help you get out of a tight fix is to call all your chicks, whether business chicks or pleasure chicks, ‘Hon’. That way you never need to remember names, should you encounter them on the street, you simply greet them with ‘Hey Hon, how you doin?…’. Another tip is that unless you are absolutely sure that you had the contract to be her primary pimp, should you see her on road with another pimp is to keep on walking and take it up with her later. It might be you got it twisted in thinking she was one of your chicks, and she is actually a ho.
To be a pimp you must also be honest. The pimp community frowns upon those that disobey the ninth Biblical commandment, and our first – ‘Thou shalt not lie’. The translation of this means that under no circumstances do you tell a woman ‘Honey, I love you!’ just to hit the twizza. It is a cardinal sin, and is punishable by excommunication. To tell a woman such abominable lies, only to be caught with her sister two days later will bring shame upon the entire order.
In relation to the subject of being caught with another of your women, it is strongly accepted that you adopt one of two stances depending on your level of game. Should your game be strong, we advocate a ‘What’s Your Point Mentality’. This is to have a completely nonchalant attitude to being caught red handed, and if your game has truly reached ‘Iceberg Slim’ proportions, we recommend that you even attempt the line, ‘Hon, the more the merrier! Why don’t you get undressed and come join in?’ (Please note the observation of protocol. No chick has been called by their name). The second stance we advocate is a legal one, it is known as ‘Plausible Deniability’. In other words, make like Shaggy, ‘It wasn’t me!’. If you are ever accused of doing something, deny it. If you are caught in the act of laying pipe, under the theory of plausible deniability you deny everything, including the idea that you are you. As soon as you can you contact one of your boys and get them to provide an alibi. Of course, if neither of the chicks are actually breakers, and the sex isn’t that great you could just give them both the finger and leave.
Do not playa hate or cock block.. No pimp owns a monopoly on any of their chicks. Game is game and it will speak for its self. This means that when another pimp moves onto your territory, you defend yourself not with violence, or by hating, but by bringing your game up to another level. Cock blocking and hating is deemed fratricide and is scorned upon. The laws against cock blocking also apply to unsigned chicks, in which two or more parties are competing for her signature. In relation to playa hating, should any of your crew also be pimps, we recommend that you hold regular business meetings to discuss who is pimping who, and who has made a contract offer to whom. This is to prevent accidental cock blocking. Such meetings are also good for letting one another know who has released whom from contract and is thus back in the ‘chick pool’, after all as the song says, ‘It ain’t no fun if my homies cant have none.’.
It is also advised that those of a weak disposition do not seek to take up such a rigorous occupation. The long hours coupled with the vigorous activity that you will undoubtedly have to undertake to become and stay successful, will take a vicious toll on ones body and those who lack a strong yang will suffer burn out long before their mid 30’s. It is also advised that those of a sensitive disposition do not seek to undertake pimping as it will on occasions be necessary to discipline your chicks. However we do not condone the use of physical force unless used for defence; we are pimps, not woman beaters. Any discipline can be, but not strictly limited to, the withholding of the pipe, a good cussing, or exposing to her that you have just finished giving her best friend/sister/mother/daughter (please delete as applicable) a good beating.
PART 2 COMING SOON
Monday 1 December 2008
Today... Yesterday.... And beyond
I turned 30.
It doesn't feel any different to being 29.
But I am sure somebody will tell me I should feel different.
Anyway... Thats enough of today. Back to the important things in life... Things like how and why is Diana still in X-Factor. Ok, I am sure someone is thinking "Oh boy! Not back on that again are we?", but yes I am. Its just a miscarriage of justice that she is in there still. Admittedly, after the judges slated her first performance, and Louis finally expressed one of the sentiments that I scream at the TV every week (that she sounds the same every performance), she came out and actually enunciated a few of her words. I mean, I expressed joy when I managed to understand three words in a row before she swiftly went back to singing in Hebrew.
Or maybe it was Zimbabwean. Since that is where the first Diana fan I have met comes from, and she actually claimed to understand her, where as the english speaking people I have met so far fail to do so.
It also seems that nobody has told her about her hands yet. We are nearly finished for the series and she is still stroking herself like she is a kitten. For crying out loud... If I want to see a cat being stroked I will turn to National Geographic Channel. Speaking of animals, can she please put some shoes on her feet. I don't like feet at the best of times, but when hers look like they would be more suited to a duck than a human, they really should be under wraps. Or better yet, under concrete.
And a comb wouldn't go amiss either. Is Cheryl doing her best to send her out there to look like Worzel Gummidge? If this was stars in your eyes, she would have won hands down. It doesnt take but five minutes to do comb/brush your hair. I have seen homeless people with hair that is better kept than Diana's, and no, I am not exaggerating.
Yesterday, I went ice skating in Canary Wharf, and then to Nando's with a bunch of friends to have a some good food. Mmmm... vegeburger.... To all those that showed up, many thanks. To those that didn't... you suck. And to those that showed up and ran off early, you guys are somewhere between being alright and sucking.
Well... I am off now. Its my birthday, and although the world should come to a halt and recognize how blessed it is to have me, sadly most people are too myopic which means that I still have things I need to do.
But don't worry, I shall be back soon... and as I found something I wrote many years ago, I have decided to share it with you all. However, I shall probably have to break it down into parts as its quite long... So... Coming soon... PIMPOLOGY 101!
Richard and Damian, you may want to take notes.
It doesn't feel any different to being 29.
But I am sure somebody will tell me I should feel different.
Anyway... Thats enough of today. Back to the important things in life... Things like how and why is Diana still in X-Factor. Ok, I am sure someone is thinking "Oh boy! Not back on that again are we?", but yes I am. Its just a miscarriage of justice that she is in there still. Admittedly, after the judges slated her first performance, and Louis finally expressed one of the sentiments that I scream at the TV every week (that she sounds the same every performance), she came out and actually enunciated a few of her words. I mean, I expressed joy when I managed to understand three words in a row before she swiftly went back to singing in Hebrew.
Or maybe it was Zimbabwean. Since that is where the first Diana fan I have met comes from, and she actually claimed to understand her, where as the english speaking people I have met so far fail to do so.
It also seems that nobody has told her about her hands yet. We are nearly finished for the series and she is still stroking herself like she is a kitten. For crying out loud... If I want to see a cat being stroked I will turn to National Geographic Channel. Speaking of animals, can she please put some shoes on her feet. I don't like feet at the best of times, but when hers look like they would be more suited to a duck than a human, they really should be under wraps. Or better yet, under concrete.
And a comb wouldn't go amiss either. Is Cheryl doing her best to send her out there to look like Worzel Gummidge? If this was stars in your eyes, she would have won hands down. It doesnt take but five minutes to do comb/brush your hair. I have seen homeless people with hair that is better kept than Diana's, and no, I am not exaggerating.
Yesterday, I went ice skating in Canary Wharf, and then to Nando's with a bunch of friends to have a some good food. Mmmm... vegeburger.... To all those that showed up, many thanks. To those that didn't... you suck. And to those that showed up and ran off early, you guys are somewhere between being alright and sucking.
Well... I am off now. Its my birthday, and although the world should come to a halt and recognize how blessed it is to have me, sadly most people are too myopic which means that I still have things I need to do.
But don't worry, I shall be back soon... and as I found something I wrote many years ago, I have decided to share it with you all. However, I shall probably have to break it down into parts as its quite long... So... Coming soon... PIMPOLOGY 101!
Richard and Damian, you may want to take notes.
Thursday 27 November 2008
The Good Ol' Days
Someone asked me that question a few days ago. In fact, I have been asked that question enough so far in my pre yellow sticker life time, that I am beginning to wonder just what impression people have of me... Well it would probably be the right one, but thats for another time.
I am actually curious as to whether people truly expect me to answer that question? I mean, (and this is a rhetorical question, so don't get smart and give me an answer that is in the negative), but do I really look that dumb? Why am I going to tell somebody, and it is usually someone I don't know very well that asks the question, what the worst thing I have ever done is? Surely that has got to be the dumbest question in the world? Actually no... its not. I remember someone said to me "What's the number for 999?", but it does come pretty close.
Now, I could actually tell some funny stories about some of the stuff I have gotten up to. There was a notorious 'Jama Jam that I attended in Clapton; my poor innocent eyes were never the same again after that night. Then there was the very first GoUK (a christian youth retreat) which I remember going to with a bunch of friends... Or, my personal favourite which involves myself and a friend running through the service tunnels of Wembley Conference Centre trying to evade capture by the staff, but alas I cannot. I cannot reveal the identity of those parties involved just in case anyone knows them, and tells Michaels mom about the Jama Jam, reveals Leon as the V-Reg, or tells Carey's mom what a bad boy he was when he was meant to actually be in church.
Ahhhh the good old days.
But time ticks on... and before I even realised it, I have grown up and matured (admittedly not much), and have responsibilities (although some may call being married a handicap). I sadly don't see my friends as much, I don't have the freedom to do as I please as my actions and lack of thought now impact others a lot more. But I am not saying that it's a bad thing. It's just part of this thing called life. And lets be honest, Trini Girl In London was a bad influence on me, so not seeing her so much could actually be considered a good thing! It's not just my life that has changed either. A lot of my friends are doing hard labour (have children) and a life sentence (married), so they have different priorities. Some friends have passed away. And some... well, they just aren't friends any more.
Still, I can't help but look back on those times that I spent with them, and the things we got up to with a tinge of longing. Longing to just be care free, where my only responsibility was myself; longing to set my own rules and agenda. But perhaps I should stop longing for the past glories; after all, do I not have tomorrow that I can shape into bigger and brighter things? Ok admittedly we won't be going around to different churches to look for women (come on now, don't act like you didn't know that wasn't the case), and we won't be hosting Jama Jams and all night parties like we used, but we can still have fun.
Speaking of which, I know just the next thing we can get up to... and I borrow the lines from the great Black Adder... "I have a cunning plan!".
I am actually curious as to whether people truly expect me to answer that question? I mean, (and this is a rhetorical question, so don't get smart and give me an answer that is in the negative), but do I really look that dumb? Why am I going to tell somebody, and it is usually someone I don't know very well that asks the question, what the worst thing I have ever done is? Surely that has got to be the dumbest question in the world? Actually no... its not. I remember someone said to me "What's the number for 999?", but it does come pretty close.
Now, I could actually tell some funny stories about some of the stuff I have gotten up to. There was a notorious 'Jama Jam that I attended in Clapton; my poor innocent eyes were never the same again after that night. Then there was the very first GoUK (a christian youth retreat) which I remember going to with a bunch of friends... Or, my personal favourite which involves myself and a friend running through the service tunnels of Wembley Conference Centre trying to evade capture by the staff, but alas I cannot. I cannot reveal the identity of those parties involved just in case anyone knows them, and tells Michaels mom about the Jama Jam, reveals Leon as the V-Reg, or tells Carey's mom what a bad boy he was when he was meant to actually be in church.
Ahhhh the good old days.
But time ticks on... and before I even realised it, I have grown up and matured (admittedly not much), and have responsibilities (although some may call being married a handicap). I sadly don't see my friends as much, I don't have the freedom to do as I please as my actions and lack of thought now impact others a lot more. But I am not saying that it's a bad thing. It's just part of this thing called life. And lets be honest, Trini Girl In London was a bad influence on me, so not seeing her so much could actually be considered a good thing! It's not just my life that has changed either. A lot of my friends are doing hard labour (have children) and a life sentence (married), so they have different priorities. Some friends have passed away. And some... well, they just aren't friends any more.
Still, I can't help but look back on those times that I spent with them, and the things we got up to with a tinge of longing. Longing to just be care free, where my only responsibility was myself; longing to set my own rules and agenda. But perhaps I should stop longing for the past glories; after all, do I not have tomorrow that I can shape into bigger and brighter things? Ok admittedly we won't be going around to different churches to look for women (come on now, don't act like you didn't know that wasn't the case), and we won't be hosting Jama Jams and all night parties like we used, but we can still have fun.
Speaking of which, I know just the next thing we can get up to... and I borrow the lines from the great Black Adder... "I have a cunning plan!".
Wednesday 26 November 2008
Superman? He ain't got nuthin' on me!
If you had a super power what would it be?
Would you want to be an immortal like Claire from Heroes? Or maybe you would want to have super strength and agility like Spider Man? Or how about the ability to control the weather like Storm from the X-Men?
I wanted to be able to read minds when I was younger. Just imagine the unimaginable power that you would possess. As a single young man, if you wanted to kick game on a young lady, you would have know all the right things to say. If you got in trouble, you would know how to react and what to say in order to escape punishment. If somebody wanted to start a fight with you, before they even threw their first punch you would know it was coming.
Talk about power!
But the more I thought about it, the more I realised that with such an ability would come great problems. What if you read someone's mind and discovered something you really didn't want to know. Matt Parkman in the first season of Heros discovered his wife had cheated on him with his friend and work partner, when he read her mind, and as a result his marriage broke down. Had he resisted the temptation to invade the privacy of her thoughts, what had happened in the past would have stayed there, and he would have continued in ignorant bliss.
Let's look at another scenario. What if your birthday was coming up and your wife/partner/friends were trying to arrange a surprise birthday party for you? You would have robbed them of their happiness in surprising you, and at the same time have lost some of the happiness you would have experienced had you not possessed the ability to read minds. (As I write this, my birthday presents are sitting next to me, but I am not allowed to open them until Monday, and the temptation is proving great. I don't wish to steal my wifes joy of seeing my face when I open it.)
Peter Parker's (Spiderman) Uncle Ben once told him, "With great power comes great responsibility.", and without a doubt that is true, and then it dawned on me. I already have the greatest super power of all; in fact we all do. Every living being that God has created and placed on this earth contains the greatest super power of all; the power of free will.
I sit here now, and I choose not to open the presents that are so nicely wrapped, and calling out "Open me.... Open me... Open meeeeeeeeee". In that choice I exercise the power to affect not just myself, but also someone else. I choose not to provided myself with instant self gratification because it is my responsibility to care about others outside of myself. Perhaps however, this responsibility is small in comparison to the responsibility that Adam and Eve must have carried in Eden. Perhaps they were not aware of the consequences of their actions, perhaps they were not even aware of the full power of the ability that they possessed: The power to choose good or evil.
I guess I will never know what it is like to fly, or be invisible, or even to read minds; but I do know the power that my choices can and do have on other people. So I don't need to fly to be powerful. I don't need to control fire or the elements, I don't need to be able to teleport, I don't need to even be able to read people minds like I wanted to when I was younger, in order to feel powerful or have an influence on people.
My power lies in my choices, and my influence lies in whether I choose to speak life to them. Whether I choose to exercise patience with them. Whether I choose to pick them up when they are down.
Who says I can't be a super hero?
Would you want to be an immortal like Claire from Heroes? Or maybe you would want to have super strength and agility like Spider Man? Or how about the ability to control the weather like Storm from the X-Men?
I wanted to be able to read minds when I was younger. Just imagine the unimaginable power that you would possess. As a single young man, if you wanted to kick game on a young lady, you would have know all the right things to say. If you got in trouble, you would know how to react and what to say in order to escape punishment. If somebody wanted to start a fight with you, before they even threw their first punch you would know it was coming.
Talk about power!
But the more I thought about it, the more I realised that with such an ability would come great problems. What if you read someone's mind and discovered something you really didn't want to know. Matt Parkman in the first season of Heros discovered his wife had cheated on him with his friend and work partner, when he read her mind, and as a result his marriage broke down. Had he resisted the temptation to invade the privacy of her thoughts, what had happened in the past would have stayed there, and he would have continued in ignorant bliss.
Let's look at another scenario. What if your birthday was coming up and your wife/partner/friends were trying to arrange a surprise birthday party for you? You would have robbed them of their happiness in surprising you, and at the same time have lost some of the happiness you would have experienced had you not possessed the ability to read minds. (As I write this, my birthday presents are sitting next to me, but I am not allowed to open them until Monday, and the temptation is proving great. I don't wish to steal my wifes joy of seeing my face when I open it.)
Peter Parker's (Spiderman) Uncle Ben once told him, "With great power comes great responsibility.", and without a doubt that is true, and then it dawned on me. I already have the greatest super power of all; in fact we all do. Every living being that God has created and placed on this earth contains the greatest super power of all; the power of free will.
I sit here now, and I choose not to open the presents that are so nicely wrapped, and calling out "Open me.... Open me... Open meeeeeeeeee". In that choice I exercise the power to affect not just myself, but also someone else. I choose not to provided myself with instant self gratification because it is my responsibility to care about others outside of myself. Perhaps however, this responsibility is small in comparison to the responsibility that Adam and Eve must have carried in Eden. Perhaps they were not aware of the consequences of their actions, perhaps they were not even aware of the full power of the ability that they possessed: The power to choose good or evil.
I guess I will never know what it is like to fly, or be invisible, or even to read minds; but I do know the power that my choices can and do have on other people. So I don't need to fly to be powerful. I don't need to control fire or the elements, I don't need to be able to teleport, I don't need to even be able to read people minds like I wanted to when I was younger, in order to feel powerful or have an influence on people.
My power lies in my choices, and my influence lies in whether I choose to speak life to them. Whether I choose to exercise patience with them. Whether I choose to pick them up when they are down.
Who says I can't be a super hero?
Tuesday 25 November 2008
My Yellow Sticker
December 1st is fast approaching, and for me that day should hold some significance so I am told; after all, it is my birthday. That's right, the day when God saw fit to bless the world with my presence! (And can I just say from now, I accept cash and guaranteed bonds only. In this time of financial toil, I had to stop taking credit cards!)
Now, I need to ask myself, why do we still celebrate birthdays? I personally don't feel any different, it is just another day, another hustle. But so many people go out and celebrate their birthday. For themselves they rent limousines, buy expensive bottles of Crystal, and spend a small fortune on a party or celebration of some sort. What is even worse though, is that they expect their friends to pay a large fortune in buying them a gift of some sort! Now, if you are thinking I sound like the Christmas Grinch, maybe I do, but I just don't get it on a pragmatic level.
Before I proceed though, please don't get it twisted, I will accept a present just a quick as the next man or woman, and its not necessarily the celebration of Birthdays that I am opposed to. I am simply curious as to why we continue to celebrate them in such an ageist society. In a society where after your late twenties (or if you look real good your early thirties) you are considered past your shelf life, and moved to the reduced goods section, why you would want to be reminded of, or remind the world of your status. For example, a man will look at a woman and think she is attractive, he will tell his friend this, and his friend will just so happen to inform this man that she is actually in her early 30's (THAT SOUNDS SOOOO OLD!!!), and before you know it, she is relegated from being attractive to now 'Looking good for her age'. That small little detail of her age had her swiftly moved from the Fresh Foods Counter, to the section in Morrisons with all those yellow stickers on that bargain hunters (ie those hard up), congregate around, looking to get what they can.
And please, don't give me the cliche "Age ain't nuthin' but a number", R-Kelly wrote that song, and look where that got him.
Perhaps in years gone by, birthdays were to be celebrated. In an age where the old were respected, honored and treasured. But that is an era that is long gone. There are no more perks for growing old. Where once in London it was really the privilege of the elderly and young children to travel for free on the buses, it is now the 'right' of teenagers. Where once an old person would be offered a seat on a packed train, now they are lucky to get a look of acknowledgment that they even exist.
But after all is said and done, I guess it really is a matter of where an individuals focus is. Perhaps this year, as society comes to stick its yellow sticker on me that says "Ooops! Was 29! Now 30!!!", I will look on December 1st not as a day that I get that little bit older, that little bit more grey, but simply as a day for thanksgiving. A day of celebration of the mercies and wonderfulness of God for seeing me through another 365 days.
Now, I need to ask myself, why do we still celebrate birthdays? I personally don't feel any different, it is just another day, another hustle. But so many people go out and celebrate their birthday. For themselves they rent limousines, buy expensive bottles of Crystal, and spend a small fortune on a party or celebration of some sort. What is even worse though, is that they expect their friends to pay a large fortune in buying them a gift of some sort! Now, if you are thinking I sound like the Christmas Grinch, maybe I do, but I just don't get it on a pragmatic level.
Before I proceed though, please don't get it twisted, I will accept a present just a quick as the next man or woman, and its not necessarily the celebration of Birthdays that I am opposed to. I am simply curious as to why we continue to celebrate them in such an ageist society. In a society where after your late twenties (or if you look real good your early thirties) you are considered past your shelf life, and moved to the reduced goods section, why you would want to be reminded of, or remind the world of your status. For example, a man will look at a woman and think she is attractive, he will tell his friend this, and his friend will just so happen to inform this man that she is actually in her early 30's (THAT SOUNDS SOOOO OLD!!!), and before you know it, she is relegated from being attractive to now 'Looking good for her age'. That small little detail of her age had her swiftly moved from the Fresh Foods Counter, to the section in Morrisons with all those yellow stickers on that bargain hunters (ie those hard up), congregate around, looking to get what they can.
And please, don't give me the cliche "Age ain't nuthin' but a number", R-Kelly wrote that song, and look where that got him.
Perhaps in years gone by, birthdays were to be celebrated. In an age where the old were respected, honored and treasured. But that is an era that is long gone. There are no more perks for growing old. Where once in London it was really the privilege of the elderly and young children to travel for free on the buses, it is now the 'right' of teenagers. Where once an old person would be offered a seat on a packed train, now they are lucky to get a look of acknowledgment that they even exist.
But after all is said and done, I guess it really is a matter of where an individuals focus is. Perhaps this year, as society comes to stick its yellow sticker on me that says "Ooops! Was 29! Now 30!!!", I will look on December 1st not as a day that I get that little bit older, that little bit more grey, but simply as a day for thanksgiving. A day of celebration of the mercies and wonderfulness of God for seeing me through another 365 days.
Friday 21 November 2008
Who are you?
During a recent conversation, someone asked me an interesting question; "Who are you?". I paused for a while, quite a long while in fact, and thought about how was the best way to answer this question.
I was really perplexed by this. I could answer that I was a Liverpool fan... Or a Pheonix Suns fan. Or I could answer that I am a son, a brother, a husband, a friend... And yet none of these answers seemed complete. None of them seemed to run true to the core of my being.
Of course I am a son. But only to my mother. And I am a husband, but only to my wife. To answer I was a Liverpool fan just seemed superficial, and maybe its my arrogance, but I don't wish for my football allegiance to be the depth of who I am.
I needed an answer that ran through all of these things. All of my relationships. And then it hit me.
I am a Christian. (Or at least I am struggling to be one).
Of all the things this is the one thing that I runs through every part of my life. It affects my relationships with everyone and everything. It is something I am even when I am alone. It is the one thing that colours my worldview no matter which hat I decide to wear.
Christianity is not a religion despite what people might say. It is, I am finally realising, much much more than that. Christianity is faith in practice. Christianity is living.
Christianity is me.
I was really perplexed by this. I could answer that I was a Liverpool fan... Or a Pheonix Suns fan. Or I could answer that I am a son, a brother, a husband, a friend... And yet none of these answers seemed complete. None of them seemed to run true to the core of my being.
Of course I am a son. But only to my mother. And I am a husband, but only to my wife. To answer I was a Liverpool fan just seemed superficial, and maybe its my arrogance, but I don't wish for my football allegiance to be the depth of who I am.
I needed an answer that ran through all of these things. All of my relationships. And then it hit me.
I am a Christian. (Or at least I am struggling to be one).
Of all the things this is the one thing that I runs through every part of my life. It affects my relationships with everyone and everything. It is something I am even when I am alone. It is the one thing that colours my worldview no matter which hat I decide to wear.
Christianity is not a religion despite what people might say. It is, I am finally realising, much much more than that. Christianity is faith in practice. Christianity is living.
Christianity is me.
Tuesday 18 November 2008
Judgment of a Man
Whilst having a look to see what was going on in the world, I stumbled across this on the BBC's website.
For those that cannot be bothered to read it, it centers on the question of Barack Obama and whether he is really black or not. To say I felt disappointed, even if not surprised that this was going on, would be an understatement.
Imagine for a moment if you will, that instead of talking about the President of the United States Elect, we were talking about an armed bank robber, do you honestly believe that we would be discussing this? The media wouldn't be talking about this. The black academics that they have spoken to would not be commenting on this. The BBC wouldn't care about this either. Maybe I am being cynical by viewing this as an attempt by many to make the idea of a black man in a position of global influence and power, more palatable to large sections of society by 'de-blacking' him, but its truly hard to see any other reason behind such a debate.
If Barack Obama was walking down the street, I would see him as a black man; but perhaps more telling is that when Barack Obama looks at himself in the mirror, he himself sees a black man staring back at him.
It is undeniable that his mother is white, or that he was brought up in a multicultural environment, but what is also undeniable is that he has also had to endure the preconceived judgments and stereotypes that are held by some people in his everyday life. He has had to overcome barriers, and he has had to struggle to achieve the success and position that he currently holds twice as hard as most Caucasians, just as much as any other black person has had to in order to achieve their goals, or to be taken seriously.
The fact that some of us as black people cannot celebrate and be happy in his success, is just a further example of why as communities we struggle. Instead of building each other up, we seek to tear each other down, instead of edifying we belittle; instead of growing we are decaying.
I for one, am sceptical but hopeful that Obama can live up to the promise and expectations that we have, but until he proves me wrong I shall judge him not on the colour of his skin, nor by his upbringing, nor by his childhood influences, but by his actions.
After all, is that not real test and judgment of a man?
For those that cannot be bothered to read it, it centers on the question of Barack Obama and whether he is really black or not. To say I felt disappointed, even if not surprised that this was going on, would be an understatement.
Imagine for a moment if you will, that instead of talking about the President of the United States Elect, we were talking about an armed bank robber, do you honestly believe that we would be discussing this? The media wouldn't be talking about this. The black academics that they have spoken to would not be commenting on this. The BBC wouldn't care about this either. Maybe I am being cynical by viewing this as an attempt by many to make the idea of a black man in a position of global influence and power, more palatable to large sections of society by 'de-blacking' him, but its truly hard to see any other reason behind such a debate.
If Barack Obama was walking down the street, I would see him as a black man; but perhaps more telling is that when Barack Obama looks at himself in the mirror, he himself sees a black man staring back at him.
It is undeniable that his mother is white, or that he was brought up in a multicultural environment, but what is also undeniable is that he has also had to endure the preconceived judgments and stereotypes that are held by some people in his everyday life. He has had to overcome barriers, and he has had to struggle to achieve the success and position that he currently holds twice as hard as most Caucasians, just as much as any other black person has had to in order to achieve their goals, or to be taken seriously.
The fact that some of us as black people cannot celebrate and be happy in his success, is just a further example of why as communities we struggle. Instead of building each other up, we seek to tear each other down, instead of edifying we belittle; instead of growing we are decaying.
I for one, am sceptical but hopeful that Obama can live up to the promise and expectations that we have, but until he proves me wrong I shall judge him not on the colour of his skin, nor by his upbringing, nor by his childhood influences, but by his actions.
After all, is that not real test and judgment of a man?
Sunday 16 November 2008
Hopeful...
I woke up this morning feeling kind of refreshed.
And then I remembered... Diana Vickers is still in X-Factor. That was almost enough to make me start the day with a stiff drink. A BIG stiff drink.
Then I remembered the football score, and at least that partly restored my faith in the world. How happy am I with the performance of Liverpool of late? Well, words cannot begin to describe. We are going toe to toe with Chelsea, the rich johnny come lately of the Premiership and are more than holding our own. It leaves me less than quietly optimistic of our chances of success come the end of the current season. However, I do wish Robbie Keane would fix up... His recent profligacy in front of goal is more a little more than worrying. On current form I doubt he could put away a drunk Paris Hilton.
But as long as we keep winning, well... who cares?
Now.... back to X-Factor...
What language does Diana sing in? I know Simon has been telling Ruth to sing in spanish, but what has Cheryl been telling Diana to sing in? Hebrew? Koine Greek? I have no idea... she may as well go up there and mime with semaphore flags. Still, I am going to try and be positive today, and so lets stop talking about Diana. Lets focus on the class act that is in the competition...
Thats right, Alexandra Burke.
Everytime she gets up to sing, the judges are mesmerized; they just can't take their eyes off of her. Simon was relaxing nodding his head along, and Cheryl's face was just one of admiration and amazement at the talent she lacks, but wishes she had. Alexandra sings, dances, and generally blows the crowd away. I actually listened to her performance this week again, without watching it, and I have to confess, if she released that track, I could honestly see people buying it. It is simply that good.
My money is on Alexandra to win. With Leona and Alexandra, Britain could have its very own Mariah and Whitney. Hopefully both will stay off the crack.
And then I remembered... Diana Vickers is still in X-Factor. That was almost enough to make me start the day with a stiff drink. A BIG stiff drink.
Then I remembered the football score, and at least that partly restored my faith in the world. How happy am I with the performance of Liverpool of late? Well, words cannot begin to describe. We are going toe to toe with Chelsea, the rich johnny come lately of the Premiership and are more than holding our own. It leaves me less than quietly optimistic of our chances of success come the end of the current season. However, I do wish Robbie Keane would fix up... His recent profligacy in front of goal is more a little more than worrying. On current form I doubt he could put away a drunk Paris Hilton.
But as long as we keep winning, well... who cares?
Now.... back to X-Factor...
What language does Diana sing in? I know Simon has been telling Ruth to sing in spanish, but what has Cheryl been telling Diana to sing in? Hebrew? Koine Greek? I have no idea... she may as well go up there and mime with semaphore flags. Still, I am going to try and be positive today, and so lets stop talking about Diana. Lets focus on the class act that is in the competition...
Thats right, Alexandra Burke.
Everytime she gets up to sing, the judges are mesmerized; they just can't take their eyes off of her. Simon was relaxing nodding his head along, and Cheryl's face was just one of admiration and amazement at the talent she lacks, but wishes she had. Alexandra sings, dances, and generally blows the crowd away. I actually listened to her performance this week again, without watching it, and I have to confess, if she released that track, I could honestly see people buying it. It is simply that good.
My money is on Alexandra to win. With Leona and Alexandra, Britain could have its very own Mariah and Whitney. Hopefully both will stay off the crack.
Saturday 15 November 2008
How and Why?
Are the British public deaf?
Its yet another week where I probably understood about 3 of the words that Diana Vickers sung. The Cambodian man that sells the pirate DVDs has better diction than Diana Vickers, not to mention that she was OUT OF TUNE!
I am sick of the sympathy votes that she is getting, and if I had won the National Lottery I would have spent money voting on every other act INCLUDING DANIEL to ensure that she went home. She is awful. Why do we have to keep on hearing about her sore throat? Alexandra had one in the second week, she mentioned it once and then went and delivered a world class performance.
I can't take it any more. She sounds the same every week. Unintelligible. Please God, next week, let it be her last. If she ever released a record what would anyone do with it? Maybe the Americans could use it as an instrument of cruel and unusual punishment and torture against Al Qaeda suspects. I know I would confess all I knew if I had to listen to that all day. Come to think of it I would start confessing things I did not know! The order of the day would be simply admit to, and say anything to get that awful droning silenced.
And as for her hands.... can she not control her hands? They are annoying and distracting, and her mentors should have taught her about her body language. Her hands move more than an incontinent 80 year old with diarrhea. I don't care what they do with them... Chop them off, tie them behind her back, shove them in her pockets for all I care, just so long as they are removed from my TV screen.
If Liverpool had not won today, it would have been a dark dark day indeed.
Its yet another week where I probably understood about 3 of the words that Diana Vickers sung. The Cambodian man that sells the pirate DVDs has better diction than Diana Vickers, not to mention that she was OUT OF TUNE!
I am sick of the sympathy votes that she is getting, and if I had won the National Lottery I would have spent money voting on every other act INCLUDING DANIEL to ensure that she went home. She is awful. Why do we have to keep on hearing about her sore throat? Alexandra had one in the second week, she mentioned it once and then went and delivered a world class performance.
I can't take it any more. She sounds the same every week. Unintelligible. Please God, next week, let it be her last. If she ever released a record what would anyone do with it? Maybe the Americans could use it as an instrument of cruel and unusual punishment and torture against Al Qaeda suspects. I know I would confess all I knew if I had to listen to that all day. Come to think of it I would start confessing things I did not know! The order of the day would be simply admit to, and say anything to get that awful droning silenced.
And as for her hands.... can she not control her hands? They are annoying and distracting, and her mentors should have taught her about her body language. Her hands move more than an incontinent 80 year old with diarrhea. I don't care what they do with them... Chop them off, tie them behind her back, shove them in her pockets for all I care, just so long as they are removed from my TV screen.
If Liverpool had not won today, it would have been a dark dark day indeed.
Friday 14 November 2008
Please God... Please...
Ok, I know when most people pray for things, its usually for them to come into a lot of money, or to be saved from imminent danger. I, however, do not want any of these things. I would simply like for Diana Vickers to be voted off of X-Factor tomorrow evening.
I mean, it can't just be me that thinks she sounds like a drowning cat. Her diction is terrible, and on disco week, when she sang a Blondie track, I didn't understand a single word she said... And I know the song!!! Laura White was no better either during Mariah week. Someone really should have informed her that the word is 'Love', not 'Laaaaa'. At least the judges saw sense and sent the strangled goat sounding woman home.
Now don't get me wrong. Daniel SUCKS! It would be a complete travesty and miscarriage of justice if he were to win X-Factor, but at least I can understand the words that are coming out of his mouth even if I don't recognise the melody that he is singing them in. He needs to be voted out, but only after they remove the mistake that is Diana Vickers.
So... there it is... My hope for tomorrow. No more Diana Vickers...
And Liverpool to win!
I mean, it can't just be me that thinks she sounds like a drowning cat. Her diction is terrible, and on disco week, when she sang a Blondie track, I didn't understand a single word she said... And I know the song!!! Laura White was no better either during Mariah week. Someone really should have informed her that the word is 'Love', not 'Laaaaa'. At least the judges saw sense and sent the strangled goat sounding woman home.
Now don't get me wrong. Daniel SUCKS! It would be a complete travesty and miscarriage of justice if he were to win X-Factor, but at least I can understand the words that are coming out of his mouth even if I don't recognise the melody that he is singing them in. He needs to be voted out, but only after they remove the mistake that is Diana Vickers.
So... there it is... My hope for tomorrow. No more Diana Vickers...
And Liverpool to win!
Monday 22 September 2008
Credit Crunch...
Credit Crunch??? What's that?
I can only define it as the rest of the world discovering what any poor black man could have told them years ago, and for free... LIFE IS TOUGH!
You lost your job...
Can't pay your electricity bill...
Had your home repossessed...
Don't have money for food...
Black people have been struggling with this for years, so its not a credit crunch to us, but just everyday life. And as for not having money for food.... There will always be food in a black household, even if there is no money.
On a more serious note, this talk of a recession is really just scare mongering. The markets are just levelling themselves, and the recent collapse of certain banks is more down to bad practices and a hyped up, over exaggerated frenzy than anything else. People are still spending money in the shops, fuel prices have recently come down, and the housing market... Well thats just regulating itself. I mean seriously, you didnt really expect people to keep on paying £100,000 for a garage that they could just about park a pram in, in the West End of London did you?
Still, if any of you wish to take pity on a poor black man, I do accept all major credit cards, but prefer cold hard cash... You know... the one that come in note form!
I can only define it as the rest of the world discovering what any poor black man could have told them years ago, and for free... LIFE IS TOUGH!
You lost your job...
Can't pay your electricity bill...
Had your home repossessed...
Don't have money for food...
Black people have been struggling with this for years, so its not a credit crunch to us, but just everyday life. And as for not having money for food.... There will always be food in a black household, even if there is no money.
On a more serious note, this talk of a recession is really just scare mongering. The markets are just levelling themselves, and the recent collapse of certain banks is more down to bad practices and a hyped up, over exaggerated frenzy than anything else. People are still spending money in the shops, fuel prices have recently come down, and the housing market... Well thats just regulating itself. I mean seriously, you didnt really expect people to keep on paying £100,000 for a garage that they could just about park a pram in, in the West End of London did you?
Still, if any of you wish to take pity on a poor black man, I do accept all major credit cards, but prefer cold hard cash... You know... the one that come in note form!
Sunday 17 August 2008
I'm Baaaaccckkkkk......
Ok, I am back from volunteering at a community camp all last week. It was great.
Challenging. But Great.
Anyway, its a new football season, and I look forward to this time of the year, every year.
However, I think I am the only one in my household who does. When my beloved Liverpool are on the TV, don't talk to me. Don't look at me. Don't even think about me. I am not interested in hearing anything.
And heaven help you if Liverpool lose. Depending on who we are playing, and what the competition is, I can be mad for weeks... Or on the flip side, I can be happy for months... (Remember Athens 2005 anyone?).
Supporting Liverpool is more than just a hobby... Its a passion. I don't understand what it is that draws me to supporting a football team, after all it is just 22 men kicking a ball around, but then, do I have to understand it? Women collect shoes. The other half has hundreds, but she can only wear one pair at a time. I don't understand it, but I accept it.
I am silently optimistic about our chances for this year. I have hopes that we can challenge for the title this season, and whatever happens, let Man U and Everton be unsuccessful and I will be happy...
COME ON YOU REDS!!!!
Challenging. But Great.
Anyway, its a new football season, and I look forward to this time of the year, every year.
However, I think I am the only one in my household who does. When my beloved Liverpool are on the TV, don't talk to me. Don't look at me. Don't even think about me. I am not interested in hearing anything.
And heaven help you if Liverpool lose. Depending on who we are playing, and what the competition is, I can be mad for weeks... Or on the flip side, I can be happy for months... (Remember Athens 2005 anyone?).
Supporting Liverpool is more than just a hobby... Its a passion. I don't understand what it is that draws me to supporting a football team, after all it is just 22 men kicking a ball around, but then, do I have to understand it? Women collect shoes. The other half has hundreds, but she can only wear one pair at a time. I don't understand it, but I accept it.
I am silently optimistic about our chances for this year. I have hopes that we can challenge for the title this season, and whatever happens, let Man U and Everton be unsuccessful and I will be happy...
COME ON YOU REDS!!!!
Friday 8 August 2008
Thou Shalt Not Lie...
Not just to others, but also to yourself. But it seems that people have not quite come to grasp with that idea, and as such, they end up lying to themselves.
And boy does this cause no end of problems.
Ever tried giving constructive criticism to someone who is not capable of being honest with themself? It's not the most productive conversation in the world. They become defensive, which means your words are falling on deaf ears, and sometimes they can become hostile. And should this person so happen to be in a position of leadership or authority, then you really are in trouble.
So what do you do in such situations?
Well, I honestly have no idea to be honest. You could try knocking some sense into him or her, but you might soon find yourself behind bars picking up soap whilst some dude called Bubba pretends to be a wild wild west gold miner digging for gold. Not something I would recommend.
You could try talking to them... but then again, isn't talking what got you into this situation in the first place?
What about ignoring them? Well, if you don't speak up, they continue to do a pile of crap, and isn't that what you are trying to get them to stop doing?
It is a losing battle.
And I hate losing.
And boy does this cause no end of problems.
Ever tried giving constructive criticism to someone who is not capable of being honest with themself? It's not the most productive conversation in the world. They become defensive, which means your words are falling on deaf ears, and sometimes they can become hostile. And should this person so happen to be in a position of leadership or authority, then you really are in trouble.
So what do you do in such situations?
Well, I honestly have no idea to be honest. You could try knocking some sense into him or her, but you might soon find yourself behind bars picking up soap whilst some dude called Bubba pretends to be a wild wild west gold miner digging for gold. Not something I would recommend.
You could try talking to them... but then again, isn't talking what got you into this situation in the first place?
What about ignoring them? Well, if you don't speak up, they continue to do a pile of crap, and isn't that what you are trying to get them to stop doing?
It is a losing battle.
And I hate losing.
Thursday 7 August 2008
Directions...
Ok, you know you are in trouble when you get on the bus, pay your fare, and then the bus driver decides to announce in the loudest voice possible that he needs to know if someone knows the way, as last time he got lost!
It could only happen in the bushland where I live.
I have been watching the TV, and can I just say, I am horrified to hear that some poor lady was thrown on the train tracks for asking two yobs to put out their cigarettes. They need to be locked up, or if she has any sons, locked in a room with them for a few hours, so they can get a good working over.
However, what is upsetting me is the news reporting of the case. If you have seen it, have you noticed that they describe what the two criminals were wearing, but as of yet have not released their colour? Now had it been two black guys, then you know that would have been the first thing out of the news reporters mouth; "The two suspects are described as being in their twenties and black...". On top of that we probably would have seen a photofit of the them by now, or they would have shown some part of the cctv clip so that people could help identify them quicker. Now far be it from me to say that the police don't want to catch these two criminals, or that colour is playing a part in it, but it does seem that way...
It could only happen in the bushland where I live.
I have been watching the TV, and can I just say, I am horrified to hear that some poor lady was thrown on the train tracks for asking two yobs to put out their cigarettes. They need to be locked up, or if she has any sons, locked in a room with them for a few hours, so they can get a good working over.
However, what is upsetting me is the news reporting of the case. If you have seen it, have you noticed that they describe what the two criminals were wearing, but as of yet have not released their colour? Now had it been two black guys, then you know that would have been the first thing out of the news reporters mouth; "The two suspects are described as being in their twenties and black...". On top of that we probably would have seen a photofit of the them by now, or they would have shown some part of the cctv clip so that people could help identify them quicker. Now far be it from me to say that the police don't want to catch these two criminals, or that colour is playing a part in it, but it does seem that way...
Tuesday 5 August 2008
Anger Management...
Whats the best way to deal with your anger?
When I was younger, my first response would have been to hit someone. And I did.
Frequently.
As I have gotten older (I would say matured, but that would be a lie), I have since calmed down and with a lot of effort and will managed to control my anger. I learn't that if people could control my emotions, they could control me. I also began to understand the destructive side of my anger, and that hitting out in anger was not necessarily the best way of getting back at someone. For example, if a guy got me angry, and I beat him senseless, he would get over his injuries... But if he got me angry, and in retaliation I dated his sister.... Oooohhhhh Now that's the stuff of nightmares. Everytime he looked at his sister he would see me... Now that's torture.
Learning to control my emotions has as a result made me a calmer, more relaxed, but more dangerous person, if I get angry, it is usually that I am thinking clearest. And thats not usually a good sign for people.
I do thank God my anger is more in control, for if it wasn't, I would probably be typing this from behind bars, thats if I was even alive to type this now. Anger is not a good emotion it affects blood pressure, and all sorts of other biological processes.
In an attempt to control my anger I tried all sorts of things (besides hitting people). I counted to 10. Took deep breaths. I even managed to walk away once or twice, but in all honesty, none of these really ever worked. Then one day I stumbled on to the perfect anger management process...
Don't get angry in the first place!
When I was younger, my first response would have been to hit someone. And I did.
Frequently.
As I have gotten older (I would say matured, but that would be a lie), I have since calmed down and with a lot of effort and will managed to control my anger. I learn't that if people could control my emotions, they could control me. I also began to understand the destructive side of my anger, and that hitting out in anger was not necessarily the best way of getting back at someone. For example, if a guy got me angry, and I beat him senseless, he would get over his injuries... But if he got me angry, and in retaliation I dated his sister.... Oooohhhhh Now that's the stuff of nightmares. Everytime he looked at his sister he would see me... Now that's torture.
Learning to control my emotions has as a result made me a calmer, more relaxed, but more dangerous person, if I get angry, it is usually that I am thinking clearest. And thats not usually a good sign for people.
I do thank God my anger is more in control, for if it wasn't, I would probably be typing this from behind bars, thats if I was even alive to type this now. Anger is not a good emotion it affects blood pressure, and all sorts of other biological processes.
In an attempt to control my anger I tried all sorts of things (besides hitting people). I counted to 10. Took deep breaths. I even managed to walk away once or twice, but in all honesty, none of these really ever worked. Then one day I stumbled on to the perfect anger management process...
Don't get angry in the first place!
Sunday 3 August 2008
What is love?
Your heart beat quickens, and deep inside you the butterflies swarm and begin to tickle. Maybe your palms get sweaty, and you get nervous and can't speak properly. Perhaps you even become sexually aroused... But do these reactions equate to love?
I remember feeling that way many years ago about someone. But did I love her?
1 Corinthians 10 says, "Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud. It is not rude, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs. Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth. It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres.".
Looking back at the time that we spent together, I have realised that the time we spent together although some of the happiest times of my life, also some of the most destructive. See, this person knew how to push my buttons, and would at times enjoy doing so. I remember she would get me so mad, I would just have to lash out at something, and by the grace of God it was never her. But love is not easily angered nor does it remember wrongs according to 1Corinthians... So did I ever really love her?
I think I did. But that doesn't mean that she was the right person for me, far from it. In truth she brought out many of the darker sides of my character, and at times made me feel bitter and angry. It might sound bad, but she was a lesson that I had to learn... and a very hard one at that. See, at that time of my life, I had to learn what true love really is, and how to express it.
Love is not about the emotions we feel, but the choices that we make.
Love is learning to forgive even when we don't want to. Love is about staying calm and not allowing hurtful things to leave your mouth in anger. Love is taking time to explain things for the umpteenth time. Love is choosing to put that persons interests ahead of your own.
I'm married now. And I thank God it is to someone who brings out many of my better qualities. Someone who is able to put my needs, wants and interests before her own, and someone with whom I seek to do the same. Someone whom I do not speak in anger to, someone whom I fight against my self nature to be patient with. Someone who has yet to give me cause to need to forgive her!
I guess what I am saying is that I love you Mrs C, and I thank you for all that you have done, and continue to do for me.
Thank you for being the right person for me.
I remember feeling that way many years ago about someone. But did I love her?
1 Corinthians 10 says, "Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud. It is not rude, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs. Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth. It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres.".
Looking back at the time that we spent together, I have realised that the time we spent together although some of the happiest times of my life, also some of the most destructive. See, this person knew how to push my buttons, and would at times enjoy doing so. I remember she would get me so mad, I would just have to lash out at something, and by the grace of God it was never her. But love is not easily angered nor does it remember wrongs according to 1Corinthians... So did I ever really love her?
I think I did. But that doesn't mean that she was the right person for me, far from it. In truth she brought out many of the darker sides of my character, and at times made me feel bitter and angry. It might sound bad, but she was a lesson that I had to learn... and a very hard one at that. See, at that time of my life, I had to learn what true love really is, and how to express it.
Love is not about the emotions we feel, but the choices that we make.
Love is learning to forgive even when we don't want to. Love is about staying calm and not allowing hurtful things to leave your mouth in anger. Love is taking time to explain things for the umpteenth time. Love is choosing to put that persons interests ahead of your own.
I'm married now. And I thank God it is to someone who brings out many of my better qualities. Someone who is able to put my needs, wants and interests before her own, and someone with whom I seek to do the same. Someone whom I do not speak in anger to, someone whom I fight against my self nature to be patient with. Someone who has yet to give me cause to need to forgive her!
I guess what I am saying is that I love you Mrs C, and I thank you for all that you have done, and continue to do for me.
Thank you for being the right person for me.
Colour...
Whats your favourite colour?
Most people like bright colours; the reds, the yellows, greens and blues.
If you could wear your favourite colour every day, would you?
I know most people would. Its not that they wouldn't wear another colour if they saw something they liked that wasn't in their favourite colour, its just that most people wish to go with what they like.
So why all the fuss when I told someone that I didn't see me marrying a white woman? Its not that I don't see any attractive white women when I walk down the street. Believe me, thats far from the case, there are many of them out there.
MANY!
But guess what my favourite colour is?
Most people like bright colours; the reds, the yellows, greens and blues.
If you could wear your favourite colour every day, would you?
I know most people would. Its not that they wouldn't wear another colour if they saw something they liked that wasn't in their favourite colour, its just that most people wish to go with what they like.
So why all the fuss when I told someone that I didn't see me marrying a white woman? Its not that I don't see any attractive white women when I walk down the street. Believe me, thats far from the case, there are many of them out there.
MANY!
But guess what my favourite colour is?
Saturday 2 August 2008
Guess whos coming to dinner...
Ok, so it wasn't my child bringing home an unexpected or unwanted partner, but it was a guest who decided to bring a friend of theirs. Now normally, I don't have a problem with this, after all, the more the merrier, isn't that how the saying goes?
The only problem is that this person seemed to have no home training and if he did, he seemed to have forgotten all of it. No, it's not like he put his elbows on the table, or chewed with his mouth full; its that he didn't seem to interact with other people in a way that was respectful and considerate of other peoples views and feelings.
Maybe conversation is truly a dying art, but so it would seem are good manners. I, in some ways feel sorry for the friend that I did invite. His behavior was not just an embarrassment to himself and his parents, but it also reflected badly on the aforementioned friend. He affected the mood of what should have been a pleasant and enjoyable meal with friends and family so greatly that some of legitimate guests actually left earlier than planned.
Still I am planning on having him back sometime.
I wonder how he deals with laxative in his food.....
The only problem is that this person seemed to have no home training and if he did, he seemed to have forgotten all of it. No, it's not like he put his elbows on the table, or chewed with his mouth full; its that he didn't seem to interact with other people in a way that was respectful and considerate of other peoples views and feelings.
Maybe conversation is truly a dying art, but so it would seem are good manners. I, in some ways feel sorry for the friend that I did invite. His behavior was not just an embarrassment to himself and his parents, but it also reflected badly on the aforementioned friend. He affected the mood of what should have been a pleasant and enjoyable meal with friends and family so greatly that some of legitimate guests actually left earlier than planned.
Still I am planning on having him back sometime.
I wonder how he deals with laxative in his food.....
Friday 1 August 2008
Lawd Have Mercy...
Lawd have mercy... that was some good fish!
I have been looking forward to that salmon since I cleaned it, scaled it, seasoned and marinated it yesterday... And boy did it not disappoint!
Fresh salmon, seasoned with fresh garlic, fresh corriander, freshly chopped ginger, rock salt, freshly ground mixed pepper, and all left over night to marinate in freshly squeezed lime juice and honey. If you could have just smelt it... It was good enough to make a woman smuggle peanuts!
So... imagine now, its lightly pan fried so the fish is tender, but firm enough to stick your fork in... Then for a side dish, sauted potatoes and steamed greens.... Its making me hungry again.
Still, my day has not just been about food, no matter how much I have been thinking about my fish all day. Its more to life than just food.
There's sex!
Did you know it was National Orgasm day yesterday???
I mean seriously, National Orgasm day? Whats next? National Erectile Dysfunction Week?
I remember when National Days were meant to mean something. Remembrance Day. Mothers Day and Fathers Day before they became commercial tools by card companies to sell millions of pounds worth of cards; but now its become a joke.
I am going to campaign for a new national day. National No National Day Day! Lets see how they like that one!
Ahh, now that that is off of my chest... what else is there I want to exhale about...
Right. Doctors.
Have you ever been to the Doctor, and you know something is wrong with you, and they turn around and tell you, that thats how its meant to be? "Excuse me Doctor, my foot is facing backwards, and its turning black!", and the response you are faced with is a condescending smile and a "Oh yes, thats the way its supposed to be!". I feel like cracking the fools in their jaw, and blackening their eye and telling them, "Oh yes... thats how its supposed to be!", but I can't.
Apparently its not the Christian thing to do.
So I smile, nod, say thank you and tell them 'Jesus loves you', whilst thinking in my head, 'But I don't you stupid anus. Let me catch you in a dark ally and I am gonna kick your @$$ so hard my foot is gonna face back the right way!". Ok so perhaps that isn't a Christian thing to do either. I accept that, and am struggling with the anger management issues... But each day that I haven't gone postal, is a day that you should count your blessings, and if you are an atheist, should then know that there is a God.
After all... you are still breathing aren't you.
I have been looking forward to that salmon since I cleaned it, scaled it, seasoned and marinated it yesterday... And boy did it not disappoint!
Fresh salmon, seasoned with fresh garlic, fresh corriander, freshly chopped ginger, rock salt, freshly ground mixed pepper, and all left over night to marinate in freshly squeezed lime juice and honey. If you could have just smelt it... It was good enough to make a woman smuggle peanuts!
So... imagine now, its lightly pan fried so the fish is tender, but firm enough to stick your fork in... Then for a side dish, sauted potatoes and steamed greens.... Its making me hungry again.
Still, my day has not just been about food, no matter how much I have been thinking about my fish all day. Its more to life than just food.
There's sex!
Did you know it was National Orgasm day yesterday???
I mean seriously, National Orgasm day? Whats next? National Erectile Dysfunction Week?
I remember when National Days were meant to mean something. Remembrance Day. Mothers Day and Fathers Day before they became commercial tools by card companies to sell millions of pounds worth of cards; but now its become a joke.
I am going to campaign for a new national day. National No National Day Day! Lets see how they like that one!
Ahh, now that that is off of my chest... what else is there I want to exhale about...
Right. Doctors.
Have you ever been to the Doctor, and you know something is wrong with you, and they turn around and tell you, that thats how its meant to be? "Excuse me Doctor, my foot is facing backwards, and its turning black!", and the response you are faced with is a condescending smile and a "Oh yes, thats the way its supposed to be!". I feel like cracking the fools in their jaw, and blackening their eye and telling them, "Oh yes... thats how its supposed to be!", but I can't.
Apparently its not the Christian thing to do.
So I smile, nod, say thank you and tell them 'Jesus loves you', whilst thinking in my head, 'But I don't you stupid anus. Let me catch you in a dark ally and I am gonna kick your @$$ so hard my foot is gonna face back the right way!". Ok so perhaps that isn't a Christian thing to do either. I accept that, and am struggling with the anger management issues... But each day that I haven't gone postal, is a day that you should count your blessings, and if you are an atheist, should then know that there is a God.
After all... you are still breathing aren't you.
Man... Be a Man!
I feel quite meloncholy this morning. When it comes to kicking game, my fellow men are letting me down.
I was talking to a female friend last night, and I paid her a compliment, and she went off on one, not because of the compliment itself, but because apparently guys are always complimenting her, but never seem to close the deal. (She knows I am not single, so I assure you, this post is not directed at myself!). I guess I can understand her frustration. Its gotta be the emotional equivalent to blue balls - always being teased and never finding any release!
So whats going on out there guys? Have we lost our game, or have things just become too easy?
In my younger days, (and here I go exposing my age), you had to have game to even get a womans phone number... And if you wanted to actually get your freak on, you had to have serious game. Now, its like shopping in Tesco's where you get all this BOGOF offers. Buy One Get One Free - So now you can get some sex, and she will throw the phone number in for free! Perhaps the moral of the story is that perhaps we need slightly higher standards and morals... who knows?
I will finish this blog by giving a few tips to my fellow men out there:
1) Be yourself - Forget chat up lines, a simple 'Hi' or 'Hello' will suffice. Chat up lines are corny and unoriginal.
2) Be polite - Don't stare at her bangers... talk to her face.
3) Nice guys don't finish last... Doormats do - There is a difference between being a nice guy, and letting a woman walk all over you. Learn when to say yes, and when to say no, after all, you can't respect someone who kisses your @$$ all day. A good example of this is a friend of mine (and it hurts that even my friends are affected by this), who was so intent on impressing this young lady that he liked, that when her computer broke, he travelled miles (and by this I mean more then 50miles) to fix it for her... FOR FREE! And no, he didn't even get a 'tip' for his services.
4) Don't under estimate personal hygiene - If you know you have bad breath, learn sign language! Ok, no need for such drastic action, but carry some mints around with you. The friend I mentioned above, has tried to buss a move on quite a few women, and sadly I am placing the emphasis on tried. After being shot down faster than a black man outside a NY police station, they promptly got on the internet and told all their friends, who told their friend, who told me. My friends reputation is ruined all because of his bad breath!
I could go on and on about this all day, but I have things to do...
I was talking to a female friend last night, and I paid her a compliment, and she went off on one, not because of the compliment itself, but because apparently guys are always complimenting her, but never seem to close the deal. (She knows I am not single, so I assure you, this post is not directed at myself!). I guess I can understand her frustration. Its gotta be the emotional equivalent to blue balls - always being teased and never finding any release!
So whats going on out there guys? Have we lost our game, or have things just become too easy?
In my younger days, (and here I go exposing my age), you had to have game to even get a womans phone number... And if you wanted to actually get your freak on, you had to have serious game. Now, its like shopping in Tesco's where you get all this BOGOF offers. Buy One Get One Free - So now you can get some sex, and she will throw the phone number in for free! Perhaps the moral of the story is that perhaps we need slightly higher standards and morals... who knows?
I will finish this blog by giving a few tips to my fellow men out there:
1) Be yourself - Forget chat up lines, a simple 'Hi' or 'Hello' will suffice. Chat up lines are corny and unoriginal.
2) Be polite - Don't stare at her bangers... talk to her face.
3) Nice guys don't finish last... Doormats do - There is a difference between being a nice guy, and letting a woman walk all over you. Learn when to say yes, and when to say no, after all, you can't respect someone who kisses your @$$ all day. A good example of this is a friend of mine (and it hurts that even my friends are affected by this), who was so intent on impressing this young lady that he liked, that when her computer broke, he travelled miles (and by this I mean more then 50miles) to fix it for her... FOR FREE! And no, he didn't even get a 'tip' for his services.
4) Don't under estimate personal hygiene - If you know you have bad breath, learn sign language! Ok, no need for such drastic action, but carry some mints around with you. The friend I mentioned above, has tried to buss a move on quite a few women, and sadly I am placing the emphasis on tried. After being shot down faster than a black man outside a NY police station, they promptly got on the internet and told all their friends, who told their friend, who told me. My friends reputation is ruined all because of his bad breath!
I could go on and on about this all day, but I have things to do...
Thursday 31 July 2008
Marriage, In laws and the Bride of Chucky
A friend of mine is getting married in just over a week... And like him, I have no idea why!
Its not that there is anything inherently wrong with marriage. Its not that there is anything inherently wrong with him, after all, he loves women. I just wonder whether he loves the woman he is going to marry.
Or maybe he does love her, but perhaps more accurately I worry as to whether he is IN love with her. Its not that a marriage cannot work for other reasons... but both parties have to be honest about what their reasons are before the marriage.
As if he didn't have it hard enough, from the way he tells it, his in laws are about as much use as a whore with a chastity belt... No matter how much potential they may have, they just never seem to give up the goods. So what do I mean by this?
Well what use are grandparents if they won't baby sit for you once in a while? Apparently, his son is so much of a burden to his soon to be wife's parents, that they won't even look after him for a few hours. Seriously... its not like they are crippled, but I do have to wonder if they are mentally retarded. (Sound the alarm, I am sure the PC brigade will be after me!) Its not like they are being asked to look after Chucky or anything, and even if they were, they shouldn't have a problem as according to my friend, his soon to be wife gives him enough grief to be the Bride of Chucky; so they have had plenty of practice!
Its not that there is anything inherently wrong with marriage. Its not that there is anything inherently wrong with him, after all, he loves women. I just wonder whether he loves the woman he is going to marry.
Or maybe he does love her, but perhaps more accurately I worry as to whether he is IN love with her. Its not that a marriage cannot work for other reasons... but both parties have to be honest about what their reasons are before the marriage.
As if he didn't have it hard enough, from the way he tells it, his in laws are about as much use as a whore with a chastity belt... No matter how much potential they may have, they just never seem to give up the goods. So what do I mean by this?
Well what use are grandparents if they won't baby sit for you once in a while? Apparently, his son is so much of a burden to his soon to be wife's parents, that they won't even look after him for a few hours. Seriously... its not like they are crippled, but I do have to wonder if they are mentally retarded. (Sound the alarm, I am sure the PC brigade will be after me!) Its not like they are being asked to look after Chucky or anything, and even if they were, they shouldn't have a problem as according to my friend, his soon to be wife gives him enough grief to be the Bride of Chucky; so they have had plenty of practice!
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