Amen. Hallelujah. Praise the Lord.
Everyone... Elvis has left the building.
Ok, maybe not Elvis, but Diana Vickers certainly has and that is reason enough for me to be elated. I mean, who told her to use four letter words on national TV before watershed? I have been told she actually said 'ship', but anyone who watched that performance will be able to tell you that that is not the case.
For the past few weeks, I have been going on and on and on about how she needs to go home, and it seems that God has blessed me with a belated birthday present. There will be no more homeless tinkerbell looking, straggled cat sounding, Worzel Gummidge hybrid gracing my Saturday evening TV screen, and I really cannot put into words the joy I felt when it was announced that she was leaving.
But now she has left, we can concentrate on more positive things. I mean how great is Alexandra? She is phenomenal. I mean, I wouldn't buy her album but I do confess, I would probably download it. She is good enough to grace a bigger stage already, and after some coaching and further mentoring, she could very well become a global superstar. She was given two very difficult songs to sing, and nailed them both. Having watched many talent shows, I can honestly say, not many people even attempt to perform Toni Braxton's 'Unbreak My Heart', let alone not manage to leave me crying tears of laughter at them when they have finished. I seriously suggest if you haven't seen any of Alexandra Burke's performances you search for her on You Tube.
Well... I am off to watch the Footie.
Liverpool won. Diana Vickers has gone home.
It must be my birthday all over again!
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Saturday 6 December 2008
Friday 5 December 2008
Pimpology 101 Pt IV
Of the aforementioned drawbacks, the ultimate one is the worst and most worrying. Chicks, should be treated like any wild animal that has been tamed; no matter how much training it has had, you never turn your back on it. A prime example of this must be Lorena Bobbitt; the infamous chick who chopped of her husbands pipe. Although it was wrong, this chick did have mitigating circumstances as he did wife her, and as such should have retired from the game. A better example is perhaps of the young man, who had his chick put acid around the seat of his toilet bowl, so that when he went to… handle his business he received burns around the back of his legs. There are numerous other horrific tales of chicks turned mad. Such chicks are to shunned for the rabid dogs that they are. The only pity is that unlike a rabid dog, they cannot be put down. Of all the chicks to turn crazy, Guyanese women and Jamaican women are the worst. Guyanese women are sly and sneaky in their plotting and are the more dangerous of the two. Jamaican women are just straight up, out and out ghetto, and are thus easier to manage.
To a pimp, image is everything. As such a pimp takes every possible care to ensure that his woman is up to date, or like Sean Paul he will have to deport them, especially if they are fresh from yard, as chances are they are a ‘fugee any way. A pimp will also endeavour to make sure that she is good looking and has a banging body. Of course he will have some borderline and two bag chicks, but they are kept in (preferably stained) glass cases ie Break only in an emergency. Or they will have special skills which enable him not to have to look at them.
Glossary of Terms
Beating – Sex.
Brain Surgeon – A chick that gives good head
Breakers - Buff
Buisness Chicks – Commonly referred to as chicks, they are women that you are ‘seeing’
Buss a nut – Can either be used to mean sex or to climax
Caddy – Although this is also the name given to the guy that carries your golf clubs, in this case it is the nick name given to a Cadillac.
Chick pool – The name given to the collection of girls that you and your crew know and are available on a free transfer.
Crew – Your good friends.
Flipmode – Not the group associated with musical hits such as ‘Gimme Some More’, but a successful pimping cartel.
Hag/s – Female or females that you would only beat when in dire need to hit the twizza. Be warned some hags are seductive.
Hit the twizza – Have sex
Hitting – Having sex
Ho – A chick that has many pimps. Also known as a sket.
Homies – This is not the plural form of the shortened word for homosexual. It in fact means your close friends.
Iceberg Slim – A notorious pimp from Chicago who later became an author. Not to be confused with some weak, punk @$$ British wannabe rapper.
Interference – The term used when one pimp distracts the attentions of a cock blocking chick so that a colleague can sign the exclusive rights to her friend.
Laying Pipe – Having sex
Loot – Money or belongings of value
Nuni – A derivative of ‘nani, which is an abbreviation for punani.
O.P – Original Pimp
On road – In public
Pipe – Male genitalia. Also known as a ‘Tool’.
Pleasure Chick – People often take this term the wrong way, these are actually chicks with which your relationship is strictly platonic.
Primary Pimp – A chicks main pimp, or only pimp.
S.C.O.P – Standard Code Of Practice
Seed – Male genitalia
The Game – Pimping
Tool – See Pipe
Two Bag Chick – A chick that when you are intimate with her you require two paper bags. One for her, and one for you in case hers falls off.
What’s Your Point Mentality – To have a nonchalant attitude to what is being said or done.
Wife – The woman you stood before God and pledged your life to.
Wifey – A personal chick. A chick you have a monogamous relationship with.
Yang – See Pipe
To a pimp, image is everything. As such a pimp takes every possible care to ensure that his woman is up to date, or like Sean Paul he will have to deport them, especially if they are fresh from yard, as chances are they are a ‘fugee any way. A pimp will also endeavour to make sure that she is good looking and has a banging body. Of course he will have some borderline and two bag chicks, but they are kept in (preferably stained) glass cases ie Break only in an emergency. Or they will have special skills which enable him not to have to look at them.
Glossary of Terms
Beating – Sex.
Brain Surgeon – A chick that gives good head
Breakers - Buff
Buisness Chicks – Commonly referred to as chicks, they are women that you are ‘seeing’
Buss a nut – Can either be used to mean sex or to climax
Caddy – Although this is also the name given to the guy that carries your golf clubs, in this case it is the nick name given to a Cadillac.
Chick pool – The name given to the collection of girls that you and your crew know and are available on a free transfer.
Crew – Your good friends.
Flipmode – Not the group associated with musical hits such as ‘Gimme Some More’, but a successful pimping cartel.
Hag/s – Female or females that you would only beat when in dire need to hit the twizza. Be warned some hags are seductive.
Hit the twizza – Have sex
Hitting – Having sex
Ho – A chick that has many pimps. Also known as a sket.
Homies – This is not the plural form of the shortened word for homosexual. It in fact means your close friends.
Iceberg Slim – A notorious pimp from Chicago who later became an author. Not to be confused with some weak, punk @$$ British wannabe rapper.
Interference – The term used when one pimp distracts the attentions of a cock blocking chick so that a colleague can sign the exclusive rights to her friend.
Laying Pipe – Having sex
Loot – Money or belongings of value
Nuni – A derivative of ‘nani, which is an abbreviation for punani.
O.P – Original Pimp
On road – In public
Pipe – Male genitalia. Also known as a ‘Tool’.
Pleasure Chick – People often take this term the wrong way, these are actually chicks with which your relationship is strictly platonic.
Primary Pimp – A chicks main pimp, or only pimp.
S.C.O.P – Standard Code Of Practice
Seed – Male genitalia
The Game – Pimping
Tool – See Pipe
Two Bag Chick – A chick that when you are intimate with her you require two paper bags. One for her, and one for you in case hers falls off.
What’s Your Point Mentality – To have a nonchalant attitude to what is being said or done.
Wife – The woman you stood before God and pledged your life to.
Wifey – A personal chick. A chick you have a monogamous relationship with.
Yang – See Pipe
Thursday 4 December 2008
Pimpology 101 Pt III
Invaluable to a pimp is his individuality. After all what makes you different to all those other pimps out there? In birds for example, it is the bird with the brightest colours; amongst pimps it is the pimp with the biggest yang and who knows how to wield it. Eight Inches and a woman will think your Don Juan. Ten Inches, she will be saying ‘Ay Papi’. Six inches, and you might as well sign up to the circus as a side show freak. However, as stated earlier, size is not the only criteria that matters. A pimp must know how to use his tool. New initiates to ‘The Game’ commonly refer to or make use of books such as the Kama Sutra, believing it to be the ultimate manual to the use of the tool; but a true O.P will understand that such books only give rough pointers. The best way to use your tool is with a lot of imagination and creativity; never underestimating the power of spontaneity, and to always have an open mind.
As mentioned earlier business meetings are invaluable to a pimp. It is advised that new pimps, or pimps that have relocated to a new area quickly find some of their colleagues that are already well established. Cartel’s such as Flipmode are an international institution with business in countries such as the US, Jamaica, Bermuda, Israel, and the UK. Their reputation is outstanding, and they are always willing to welcome new members with potential to their ranks. Joining such Cartels will give you automatic access to a chick pool, keep you informed of what is going on, and also provide you with a list of hags for when, due to unforeseen circumstances your chicks are unavailable and you need to buss a nut. Joining such cartels will also help you in your efforts to sign the exclusive pimping rights of chicks, such as members running interference, providing alibi’s when you are seeing your other chicks, and providing false character references. The latter reason is one example of why a pimp must make all efforts to stay anonymous.
Despite the glamour and benefits associated with being a pimp, one must not overlook the responsibilities of a pimp. Many references have been made to the chick pool, and rightly so for this is the well spring on which a pimp community survives. It is a pimps duty and responsibility to ensure that this valuable resource never dies or gets so low that all pimps within the cartel are rationed to having primary rights to one chick only. When this happens, scandals associated with companies such as Enron will occur on a large scale, and the less successful pimps will highly inflate the figures of the number of chicks they have rights to. When a pimp brings a chick into the chick pool, he opens up avenues to increase the chick pool, as all chicks have friends. Encouraging the initial chick to bring some friends along to meet your colleagues is one such way of expanding the chick pool. Admittedly the first encounter is a bit like a lucky dip, but during this initial encounter skilful pimps will manipulate the situation so that those that he has no interest in, will not attend future selection sessions. Eventually, he will have a scenario rather like a buffet or pick ‘n’ mix where he can select only those that he wants; and it is these that are brought into the chick pool.
Another responsibility of a pimp is to take responsibility of his children should he have any. As a community we do not advocate dead beat fathers for it is the duty of a pimp to teach all his sons the tricks of the trade, and to ensure that his daughters are educated so as not to end up in a chick pool. Some may argue that pimps educating their daughters about the tricks of the trade is defeatist and will eventually lead to the extinction of our community, nothing could be further from the truth. All such a practice does is weed out the weak from the strong; survival of the fittest in its purist form. A pimp must adapt to his surroundings or die.
Community responsibility is something that pimps take very seriously. As such any chicks within the chick pool with short comings must be reported to the cartel as soon as possible. This rule must not be broken even if it means reporting on one of your pleasure chicks. Such a practice exists not for personal reasons but for practical ones. For example, as unbelievable as this may sound, assume a chick did not like giving brain and one of your colleagues was looking for a brain surgeon and thought that she was a possible candidate. Valuable time would be wasted interviewing a chick who was not suitable to the post. Reporting such deficiencies within a chick as soon as possible only ensures that the cartel can be more productive and efficient. As a rule it does not lead to expulsion from the chick pool for the person in question.
In order to minimise occurrences such as the one given in the example above, it is important that as a pimp you only select chicks of the highest quality. As such fake chicks are usually dismissed as viable candidates for the chick pool. The only rubber a pimp expects to feel when he is with his chick is his Magnum.
Like any other occupation, pimping does have its draw backs. The biggest of these is job security. Pimping is a dog eat dog world, and unless your game is tight, you will be made redundant before you are even aware of it. However a pimp with tight game can have a job life until he needs viagra or until the day he dies, which ever should happen to come first. Hugh Hefner being a prime example. (Although real pimps do question the quality of his chick pool.) Other draw backs of the occupation are long hours, lack of social stability, and a high risk of personal injury.
Soon coming, Pt IV of Pimpology 101 inc. Glossary of terms.
As mentioned earlier business meetings are invaluable to a pimp. It is advised that new pimps, or pimps that have relocated to a new area quickly find some of their colleagues that are already well established. Cartel’s such as Flipmode are an international institution with business in countries such as the US, Jamaica, Bermuda, Israel, and the UK. Their reputation is outstanding, and they are always willing to welcome new members with potential to their ranks. Joining such Cartels will give you automatic access to a chick pool, keep you informed of what is going on, and also provide you with a list of hags for when, due to unforeseen circumstances your chicks are unavailable and you need to buss a nut. Joining such cartels will also help you in your efforts to sign the exclusive pimping rights of chicks, such as members running interference, providing alibi’s when you are seeing your other chicks, and providing false character references. The latter reason is one example of why a pimp must make all efforts to stay anonymous.
Despite the glamour and benefits associated with being a pimp, one must not overlook the responsibilities of a pimp. Many references have been made to the chick pool, and rightly so for this is the well spring on which a pimp community survives. It is a pimps duty and responsibility to ensure that this valuable resource never dies or gets so low that all pimps within the cartel are rationed to having primary rights to one chick only. When this happens, scandals associated with companies such as Enron will occur on a large scale, and the less successful pimps will highly inflate the figures of the number of chicks they have rights to. When a pimp brings a chick into the chick pool, he opens up avenues to increase the chick pool, as all chicks have friends. Encouraging the initial chick to bring some friends along to meet your colleagues is one such way of expanding the chick pool. Admittedly the first encounter is a bit like a lucky dip, but during this initial encounter skilful pimps will manipulate the situation so that those that he has no interest in, will not attend future selection sessions. Eventually, he will have a scenario rather like a buffet or pick ‘n’ mix where he can select only those that he wants; and it is these that are brought into the chick pool.
Another responsibility of a pimp is to take responsibility of his children should he have any. As a community we do not advocate dead beat fathers for it is the duty of a pimp to teach all his sons the tricks of the trade, and to ensure that his daughters are educated so as not to end up in a chick pool. Some may argue that pimps educating their daughters about the tricks of the trade is defeatist and will eventually lead to the extinction of our community, nothing could be further from the truth. All such a practice does is weed out the weak from the strong; survival of the fittest in its purist form. A pimp must adapt to his surroundings or die.
Community responsibility is something that pimps take very seriously. As such any chicks within the chick pool with short comings must be reported to the cartel as soon as possible. This rule must not be broken even if it means reporting on one of your pleasure chicks. Such a practice exists not for personal reasons but for practical ones. For example, as unbelievable as this may sound, assume a chick did not like giving brain and one of your colleagues was looking for a brain surgeon and thought that she was a possible candidate. Valuable time would be wasted interviewing a chick who was not suitable to the post. Reporting such deficiencies within a chick as soon as possible only ensures that the cartel can be more productive and efficient. As a rule it does not lead to expulsion from the chick pool for the person in question.
In order to minimise occurrences such as the one given in the example above, it is important that as a pimp you only select chicks of the highest quality. As such fake chicks are usually dismissed as viable candidates for the chick pool. The only rubber a pimp expects to feel when he is with his chick is his Magnum.
Like any other occupation, pimping does have its draw backs. The biggest of these is job security. Pimping is a dog eat dog world, and unless your game is tight, you will be made redundant before you are even aware of it. However a pimp with tight game can have a job life until he needs viagra or until the day he dies, which ever should happen to come first. Hugh Hefner being a prime example. (Although real pimps do question the quality of his chick pool.) Other draw backs of the occupation are long hours, lack of social stability, and a high risk of personal injury.
Soon coming, Pt IV of Pimpology 101 inc. Glossary of terms.
Wednesday 3 December 2008
I WON!!!
I won a national photographic competion!
I am real excited by this. Ok so it isn't the Shell Photographer of the Year Award, or the Tate or something of that level, but it is a start. And I would like to thank the other half for submitting the entry for me, hence why it is under her name.
If anyone wants prints please feel free to let me know, and I am sure we can come to an amicable understanding. ;-)
I have been studying for my greek exam and its doing my head in. Its not that I don't enjoy it, its simply that I don't get it. It has me so frustrated that my hair is turning grey at an increasing pace. Still, thats life I guess.
Well... Some of you wanted Pimpology 101 Pt.II so here it is...
I am real excited by this. Ok so it isn't the Shell Photographer of the Year Award, or the Tate or something of that level, but it is a start. And I would like to thank the other half for submitting the entry for me, hence why it is under her name.
If anyone wants prints please feel free to let me know, and I am sure we can come to an amicable understanding. ;-)
I have been studying for my greek exam and its doing my head in. Its not that I don't enjoy it, its simply that I don't get it. It has me so frustrated that my hair is turning grey at an increasing pace. Still, thats life I guess.
Well... Some of you wanted Pimpology 101 Pt.II so here it is...
Pimpology 101 cont.
As well as not having a weak disposition, a pimp must have a strong will and unwavering self belief, because just as only a fool has no fear, only the truly dumb believe that nuni cannot whip. Nuni is a potent weapon when used correctly, but not all nuni is of the same potency. A chick that can ride like she is Frankie Dettori going up the home straight of the Grand National is a danger to any pimp, as it is the jockey with the whip and the bridle. However, it is pimps that are the stallions, and although for the most part patience is a very much exercised virtue, every now and then a pimp must buck to let chicks know that the idea that they are on top and in control is all an illusion. When a chick tries to break a pimp, he must always stand firm in his belief that although punani is power, it is the dick that rules. Also to be wary of are chicks with more carpet burns on their knees than a nun, for they add a whole new dimension to the term ‘brain washing’. Many a pimp has been lost along the way due to such underhanded techniques as this. Its power of persuasion is not to be taken lightly.
A common misconception is that one needs to have a lot of money to become a pimp. This, however could not be further from the truth. The essentials for a pimp are gift of the gab, confidence, 10 inches and the ability to rock the body till the early light. This does not by any means indicate that should you win the lottery you turn it down, because it is undeniable that money does make starting your own business, easier; Money, no matter how much you have will never make up for game that’s tight. A rich pimp who’s game is weak, is going to lose his chick to a pimp who’s game is tight, and end up being pimped when all his loot is taken and given to the poorer pimp.
As we can see a flash car is helpful to a pimp, but it is not an essential piece of equipment to a pimp. In truth, there are only two material things that are essential to a pimp and they are every day items in today’s society. The first is a mobile phone, for it is impossible to stay in control of your chicks unless you are available 24/7/365. This is where pay as you go comes in useful; SIM cards are cheap, and on top of that, its your chicks that buy you the credit, thus lowering your over heads. An added benefit to mobile phones is that you can attribute distinctive rings to your phone so that you need never glance away from the TV screen when playing FIFA 2004 to check whether you want to take the call or not. The other option is to let the chick you are with answer the phone, but this could present problems depending on whether she is fully trained or not ie a fully trained chick will not search your phone, a poorly trained chick will delete other chicks numbers from your phone. However, all pimps must remember to always make use of one function of their phone – KEY LOCK. Many a pimp has lost either a chick or an interviewee simply by being on his secondary phone, and not having his primary on key lock. The second essential item is condoms. Gangstas carry guns, pimps carry protection. Gangstas carry Uzi’s, but a pimp carries a Magnum. Trojan Magnum that is. In the society we live in today the diseases that are running rampant can easily force a pimp into early retirement on the grounds of ill health. Add to this the chances of him spreading his diseases around and depleting the number of chicks available for pimpage, and the conclusion is unanimous – GET THE STRAP OR GET THE CLAP.
Anonymity. Failing to keep their identity and details about their life secret has brought about the premature retirement of many a pimp. It is taken as S.C.O.P that details such as your home phone number and address are NEVER given out for any reason. Broken windows are expensive to replace! However, by minimising the details that you give your chicks, you are effectively decreasing the chances of you getting discovered as they do not have enough information to cross reference with each other and thus establish your identity should they ever happen to bump into each other or be friends/cousins/acquaintances. The flamboyant image of bright colours, a chromed out caddy and tiger skin seat covers, are all stereotypical images of pimps portrayed by the movies. If you seek to buy into this idea of what a pimp is about your identity will be about as secret as James Bond’s – the secret agent who’s identity everyone knows. It should also be added that you should not attempt to copy the image of Dolemite. That is akin to hanging a neon sign over your head and screaming ‘I’m a pimp… I’m a pimp’. Not to mention half of his activities would land you in jail, leaving you to get butt raped and call some big black dude called Tyrone your ‘Pimp Daddy’.
To further minimise your chances of being exposed, we also recommend that your chicks should meet as few of your friends as possible. A careless word could soon find you with a red hand print across your face. (At this point we advise you to caution the offending chick that she must never ever raise her hand to you again, and should your warning should go unheeded you will not be responsible for your actions.) Or worse still, she may even vandalise your car, expose your actions to her friends, or kick you in the seed. Of these last three the exposure to her friends could potentially be the most damaging, or the least. This is all dependent on whether you are hitting her friends already or not.
But above all, never, and for the sake of importance it must be said again, NEVER take a chick home to meet the parents unless you are retiring from the game. Should your mother inadvertently call her by the wrong name, your best laid plans could come unravelled when you leave and she asks, ‘So, who is (insert a chicks name here)?’. Beware! This is a trick question and any resulting answer will lead to an argument of such proportions that disciplining your chick will be a necessity. Should you answer, this questions stating that ‘Shaynee’ is the name of your ex girlfriend, you will instantly be hit with a statement to the effect of why is your mother calling her by your ex’s name. If you answer the question telling her that it is the name of one of your pleasure chicks, then you will be confronted with having to explain to her why your family don’t know enough about her to get her name correct? The safe answer would be to simply say that Shaynee is a family member right? Wrong! Having been to a family event once, this chick will want to come again and again; and at every family event she will be on the look out for your ‘cousin’, Shaynee. After about two years (assuming she is around for that long!) be prepared for the question, ‘So why haven’t I met your cousin Shaynee yet?’. Women are like elephants. Some are built like one, but they all have a memory like one.
Coming Soon Pimpology 101 Pt. III
As well as not having a weak disposition, a pimp must have a strong will and unwavering self belief, because just as only a fool has no fear, only the truly dumb believe that nuni cannot whip. Nuni is a potent weapon when used correctly, but not all nuni is of the same potency. A chick that can ride like she is Frankie Dettori going up the home straight of the Grand National is a danger to any pimp, as it is the jockey with the whip and the bridle. However, it is pimps that are the stallions, and although for the most part patience is a very much exercised virtue, every now and then a pimp must buck to let chicks know that the idea that they are on top and in control is all an illusion. When a chick tries to break a pimp, he must always stand firm in his belief that although punani is power, it is the dick that rules. Also to be wary of are chicks with more carpet burns on their knees than a nun, for they add a whole new dimension to the term ‘brain washing’. Many a pimp has been lost along the way due to such underhanded techniques as this. Its power of persuasion is not to be taken lightly.
A common misconception is that one needs to have a lot of money to become a pimp. This, however could not be further from the truth. The essentials for a pimp are gift of the gab, confidence, 10 inches and the ability to rock the body till the early light. This does not by any means indicate that should you win the lottery you turn it down, because it is undeniable that money does make starting your own business, easier; Money, no matter how much you have will never make up for game that’s tight. A rich pimp who’s game is weak, is going to lose his chick to a pimp who’s game is tight, and end up being pimped when all his loot is taken and given to the poorer pimp.
As we can see a flash car is helpful to a pimp, but it is not an essential piece of equipment to a pimp. In truth, there are only two material things that are essential to a pimp and they are every day items in today’s society. The first is a mobile phone, for it is impossible to stay in control of your chicks unless you are available 24/7/365. This is where pay as you go comes in useful; SIM cards are cheap, and on top of that, its your chicks that buy you the credit, thus lowering your over heads. An added benefit to mobile phones is that you can attribute distinctive rings to your phone so that you need never glance away from the TV screen when playing FIFA 2004 to check whether you want to take the call or not. The other option is to let the chick you are with answer the phone, but this could present problems depending on whether she is fully trained or not ie a fully trained chick will not search your phone, a poorly trained chick will delete other chicks numbers from your phone. However, all pimps must remember to always make use of one function of their phone – KEY LOCK. Many a pimp has lost either a chick or an interviewee simply by being on his secondary phone, and not having his primary on key lock. The second essential item is condoms. Gangstas carry guns, pimps carry protection. Gangstas carry Uzi’s, but a pimp carries a Magnum. Trojan Magnum that is. In the society we live in today the diseases that are running rampant can easily force a pimp into early retirement on the grounds of ill health. Add to this the chances of him spreading his diseases around and depleting the number of chicks available for pimpage, and the conclusion is unanimous – GET THE STRAP OR GET THE CLAP.
Anonymity. Failing to keep their identity and details about their life secret has brought about the premature retirement of many a pimp. It is taken as S.C.O.P that details such as your home phone number and address are NEVER given out for any reason. Broken windows are expensive to replace! However, by minimising the details that you give your chicks, you are effectively decreasing the chances of you getting discovered as they do not have enough information to cross reference with each other and thus establish your identity should they ever happen to bump into each other or be friends/cousins/acquaintances. The flamboyant image of bright colours, a chromed out caddy and tiger skin seat covers, are all stereotypical images of pimps portrayed by the movies. If you seek to buy into this idea of what a pimp is about your identity will be about as secret as James Bond’s – the secret agent who’s identity everyone knows. It should also be added that you should not attempt to copy the image of Dolemite. That is akin to hanging a neon sign over your head and screaming ‘I’m a pimp… I’m a pimp’. Not to mention half of his activities would land you in jail, leaving you to get butt raped and call some big black dude called Tyrone your ‘Pimp Daddy’.
To further minimise your chances of being exposed, we also recommend that your chicks should meet as few of your friends as possible. A careless word could soon find you with a red hand print across your face. (At this point we advise you to caution the offending chick that she must never ever raise her hand to you again, and should your warning should go unheeded you will not be responsible for your actions.) Or worse still, she may even vandalise your car, expose your actions to her friends, or kick you in the seed. Of these last three the exposure to her friends could potentially be the most damaging, or the least. This is all dependent on whether you are hitting her friends already or not.
But above all, never, and for the sake of importance it must be said again, NEVER take a chick home to meet the parents unless you are retiring from the game. Should your mother inadvertently call her by the wrong name, your best laid plans could come unravelled when you leave and she asks, ‘So, who is (insert a chicks name here)?’. Beware! This is a trick question and any resulting answer will lead to an argument of such proportions that disciplining your chick will be a necessity. Should you answer, this questions stating that ‘Shaynee’ is the name of your ex girlfriend, you will instantly be hit with a statement to the effect of why is your mother calling her by your ex’s name. If you answer the question telling her that it is the name of one of your pleasure chicks, then you will be confronted with having to explain to her why your family don’t know enough about her to get her name correct? The safe answer would be to simply say that Shaynee is a family member right? Wrong! Having been to a family event once, this chick will want to come again and again; and at every family event she will be on the look out for your ‘cousin’, Shaynee. After about two years (assuming she is around for that long!) be prepared for the question, ‘So why haven’t I met your cousin Shaynee yet?’. Women are like elephants. Some are built like one, but they all have a memory like one.
Coming Soon Pimpology 101 Pt. III
Tuesday 2 December 2008
Pimpology 101 Pt.I
Ok.. as promised, here comes Pimpology 101. I wrote this years ago whilst bored at work one day (ahh the things BT paid me to do), so I do not claim to practice (or ever have practiced) what is laid out below.
‘Pimpin’ aint easy’ Jay-Z once said, and although this is true, somebody has got to do it. The mistaken belief however is that everyone can be a pimp, and this simply is not the case. To be a pimp one must be of good moral upstanding, as well as possessing many virtues such as strength, stamina, and a good memory.
Pimpin is a demanding occupation. It requires you to be on call 24/7 and as such leaves no such time for one to have a family; or at least a conventional idea of one. This is due to one of the first rules of pimping and that is that you cannot have a wifey or wife. However, the benefits of this do outweigh the disadvantages as you are still allowed to have many children, AND with many different women should you so choose. Of course, should you be a small time pimp and your hoes are collecting benefits, you are entitled to your usual percentage of their earnings. This can either be collected in cold hard cash or lavish gifts. If you are in the upper echelons of pimp society, then it should come as standard that you will have been receiving these ‘gifts’ already.
As a pimp you will be required to remember small details such as names, are you her primary pimp, when did you last call her/see her etc. Failure to remember such details could lead to a immediate termination of your rights to be one of her pimps or even her primary for this we advocate you either have a damn good memory or a Sony Clio with colour screen and built in digital camera. One small tip to help you get out of a tight fix is to call all your chicks, whether business chicks or pleasure chicks, ‘Hon’. That way you never need to remember names, should you encounter them on the street, you simply greet them with ‘Hey Hon, how you doin?…’. Another tip is that unless you are absolutely sure that you had the contract to be her primary pimp, should you see her on road with another pimp is to keep on walking and take it up with her later. It might be you got it twisted in thinking she was one of your chicks, and she is actually a ho.
To be a pimp you must also be honest. The pimp community frowns upon those that disobey the ninth Biblical commandment, and our first – ‘Thou shalt not lie’. The translation of this means that under no circumstances do you tell a woman ‘Honey, I love you!’ just to hit the twizza. It is a cardinal sin, and is punishable by excommunication. To tell a woman such abominable lies, only to be caught with her sister two days later will bring shame upon the entire order.
In relation to the subject of being caught with another of your women, it is strongly accepted that you adopt one of two stances depending on your level of game. Should your game be strong, we advocate a ‘What’s Your Point Mentality’. This is to have a completely nonchalant attitude to being caught red handed, and if your game has truly reached ‘Iceberg Slim’ proportions, we recommend that you even attempt the line, ‘Hon, the more the merrier! Why don’t you get undressed and come join in?’ (Please note the observation of protocol. No chick has been called by their name). The second stance we advocate is a legal one, it is known as ‘Plausible Deniability’. In other words, make like Shaggy, ‘It wasn’t me!’. If you are ever accused of doing something, deny it. If you are caught in the act of laying pipe, under the theory of plausible deniability you deny everything, including the idea that you are you. As soon as you can you contact one of your boys and get them to provide an alibi. Of course, if neither of the chicks are actually breakers, and the sex isn’t that great you could just give them both the finger and leave.
Do not playa hate or cock block.. No pimp owns a monopoly on any of their chicks. Game is game and it will speak for its self. This means that when another pimp moves onto your territory, you defend yourself not with violence, or by hating, but by bringing your game up to another level. Cock blocking and hating is deemed fratricide and is scorned upon. The laws against cock blocking also apply to unsigned chicks, in which two or more parties are competing for her signature. In relation to playa hating, should any of your crew also be pimps, we recommend that you hold regular business meetings to discuss who is pimping who, and who has made a contract offer to whom. This is to prevent accidental cock blocking. Such meetings are also good for letting one another know who has released whom from contract and is thus back in the ‘chick pool’, after all as the song says, ‘It ain’t no fun if my homies cant have none.’.
It is also advised that those of a weak disposition do not seek to take up such a rigorous occupation. The long hours coupled with the vigorous activity that you will undoubtedly have to undertake to become and stay successful, will take a vicious toll on ones body and those who lack a strong yang will suffer burn out long before their mid 30’s. It is also advised that those of a sensitive disposition do not seek to undertake pimping as it will on occasions be necessary to discipline your chicks. However we do not condone the use of physical force unless used for defence; we are pimps, not woman beaters. Any discipline can be, but not strictly limited to, the withholding of the pipe, a good cussing, or exposing to her that you have just finished giving her best friend/sister/mother/daughter (please delete as applicable) a good beating.
PART 2 COMING SOON
Hitchhikers Guide to Pimpology
(Pimpology 101)
(Pimpology 101)
‘Pimpin’ aint easy’ Jay-Z once said, and although this is true, somebody has got to do it. The mistaken belief however is that everyone can be a pimp, and this simply is not the case. To be a pimp one must be of good moral upstanding, as well as possessing many virtues such as strength, stamina, and a good memory.
Pimpin is a demanding occupation. It requires you to be on call 24/7 and as such leaves no such time for one to have a family; or at least a conventional idea of one. This is due to one of the first rules of pimping and that is that you cannot have a wifey or wife. However, the benefits of this do outweigh the disadvantages as you are still allowed to have many children, AND with many different women should you so choose. Of course, should you be a small time pimp and your hoes are collecting benefits, you are entitled to your usual percentage of their earnings. This can either be collected in cold hard cash or lavish gifts. If you are in the upper echelons of pimp society, then it should come as standard that you will have been receiving these ‘gifts’ already.
As a pimp you will be required to remember small details such as names, are you her primary pimp, when did you last call her/see her etc. Failure to remember such details could lead to a immediate termination of your rights to be one of her pimps or even her primary for this we advocate you either have a damn good memory or a Sony Clio with colour screen and built in digital camera. One small tip to help you get out of a tight fix is to call all your chicks, whether business chicks or pleasure chicks, ‘Hon’. That way you never need to remember names, should you encounter them on the street, you simply greet them with ‘Hey Hon, how you doin?…’. Another tip is that unless you are absolutely sure that you had the contract to be her primary pimp, should you see her on road with another pimp is to keep on walking and take it up with her later. It might be you got it twisted in thinking she was one of your chicks, and she is actually a ho.
To be a pimp you must also be honest. The pimp community frowns upon those that disobey the ninth Biblical commandment, and our first – ‘Thou shalt not lie’. The translation of this means that under no circumstances do you tell a woman ‘Honey, I love you!’ just to hit the twizza. It is a cardinal sin, and is punishable by excommunication. To tell a woman such abominable lies, only to be caught with her sister two days later will bring shame upon the entire order.
In relation to the subject of being caught with another of your women, it is strongly accepted that you adopt one of two stances depending on your level of game. Should your game be strong, we advocate a ‘What’s Your Point Mentality’. This is to have a completely nonchalant attitude to being caught red handed, and if your game has truly reached ‘Iceberg Slim’ proportions, we recommend that you even attempt the line, ‘Hon, the more the merrier! Why don’t you get undressed and come join in?’ (Please note the observation of protocol. No chick has been called by their name). The second stance we advocate is a legal one, it is known as ‘Plausible Deniability’. In other words, make like Shaggy, ‘It wasn’t me!’. If you are ever accused of doing something, deny it. If you are caught in the act of laying pipe, under the theory of plausible deniability you deny everything, including the idea that you are you. As soon as you can you contact one of your boys and get them to provide an alibi. Of course, if neither of the chicks are actually breakers, and the sex isn’t that great you could just give them both the finger and leave.
Do not playa hate or cock block.. No pimp owns a monopoly on any of their chicks. Game is game and it will speak for its self. This means that when another pimp moves onto your territory, you defend yourself not with violence, or by hating, but by bringing your game up to another level. Cock blocking and hating is deemed fratricide and is scorned upon. The laws against cock blocking also apply to unsigned chicks, in which two or more parties are competing for her signature. In relation to playa hating, should any of your crew also be pimps, we recommend that you hold regular business meetings to discuss who is pimping who, and who has made a contract offer to whom. This is to prevent accidental cock blocking. Such meetings are also good for letting one another know who has released whom from contract and is thus back in the ‘chick pool’, after all as the song says, ‘It ain’t no fun if my homies cant have none.’.
It is also advised that those of a weak disposition do not seek to take up such a rigorous occupation. The long hours coupled with the vigorous activity that you will undoubtedly have to undertake to become and stay successful, will take a vicious toll on ones body and those who lack a strong yang will suffer burn out long before their mid 30’s. It is also advised that those of a sensitive disposition do not seek to undertake pimping as it will on occasions be necessary to discipline your chicks. However we do not condone the use of physical force unless used for defence; we are pimps, not woman beaters. Any discipline can be, but not strictly limited to, the withholding of the pipe, a good cussing, or exposing to her that you have just finished giving her best friend/sister/mother/daughter (please delete as applicable) a good beating.
PART 2 COMING SOON
Monday 1 December 2008
Today... Yesterday.... And beyond
I turned 30.
It doesn't feel any different to being 29.
But I am sure somebody will tell me I should feel different.
Anyway... Thats enough of today. Back to the important things in life... Things like how and why is Diana still in X-Factor. Ok, I am sure someone is thinking "Oh boy! Not back on that again are we?", but yes I am. Its just a miscarriage of justice that she is in there still. Admittedly, after the judges slated her first performance, and Louis finally expressed one of the sentiments that I scream at the TV every week (that she sounds the same every performance), she came out and actually enunciated a few of her words. I mean, I expressed joy when I managed to understand three words in a row before she swiftly went back to singing in Hebrew.
Or maybe it was Zimbabwean. Since that is where the first Diana fan I have met comes from, and she actually claimed to understand her, where as the english speaking people I have met so far fail to do so.
It also seems that nobody has told her about her hands yet. We are nearly finished for the series and she is still stroking herself like she is a kitten. For crying out loud... If I want to see a cat being stroked I will turn to National Geographic Channel. Speaking of animals, can she please put some shoes on her feet. I don't like feet at the best of times, but when hers look like they would be more suited to a duck than a human, they really should be under wraps. Or better yet, under concrete.
And a comb wouldn't go amiss either. Is Cheryl doing her best to send her out there to look like Worzel Gummidge? If this was stars in your eyes, she would have won hands down. It doesnt take but five minutes to do comb/brush your hair. I have seen homeless people with hair that is better kept than Diana's, and no, I am not exaggerating.
Yesterday, I went ice skating in Canary Wharf, and then to Nando's with a bunch of friends to have a some good food. Mmmm... vegeburger.... To all those that showed up, many thanks. To those that didn't... you suck. And to those that showed up and ran off early, you guys are somewhere between being alright and sucking.
Well... I am off now. Its my birthday, and although the world should come to a halt and recognize how blessed it is to have me, sadly most people are too myopic which means that I still have things I need to do.
But don't worry, I shall be back soon... and as I found something I wrote many years ago, I have decided to share it with you all. However, I shall probably have to break it down into parts as its quite long... So... Coming soon... PIMPOLOGY 101!
Richard and Damian, you may want to take notes.
It doesn't feel any different to being 29.
But I am sure somebody will tell me I should feel different.
Anyway... Thats enough of today. Back to the important things in life... Things like how and why is Diana still in X-Factor. Ok, I am sure someone is thinking "Oh boy! Not back on that again are we?", but yes I am. Its just a miscarriage of justice that she is in there still. Admittedly, after the judges slated her first performance, and Louis finally expressed one of the sentiments that I scream at the TV every week (that she sounds the same every performance), she came out and actually enunciated a few of her words. I mean, I expressed joy when I managed to understand three words in a row before she swiftly went back to singing in Hebrew.
Or maybe it was Zimbabwean. Since that is where the first Diana fan I have met comes from, and she actually claimed to understand her, where as the english speaking people I have met so far fail to do so.
It also seems that nobody has told her about her hands yet. We are nearly finished for the series and she is still stroking herself like she is a kitten. For crying out loud... If I want to see a cat being stroked I will turn to National Geographic Channel. Speaking of animals, can she please put some shoes on her feet. I don't like feet at the best of times, but when hers look like they would be more suited to a duck than a human, they really should be under wraps. Or better yet, under concrete.
And a comb wouldn't go amiss either. Is Cheryl doing her best to send her out there to look like Worzel Gummidge? If this was stars in your eyes, she would have won hands down. It doesnt take but five minutes to do comb/brush your hair. I have seen homeless people with hair that is better kept than Diana's, and no, I am not exaggerating.
Yesterday, I went ice skating in Canary Wharf, and then to Nando's with a bunch of friends to have a some good food. Mmmm... vegeburger.... To all those that showed up, many thanks. To those that didn't... you suck. And to those that showed up and ran off early, you guys are somewhere between being alright and sucking.
Well... I am off now. Its my birthday, and although the world should come to a halt and recognize how blessed it is to have me, sadly most people are too myopic which means that I still have things I need to do.
But don't worry, I shall be back soon... and as I found something I wrote many years ago, I have decided to share it with you all. However, I shall probably have to break it down into parts as its quite long... So... Coming soon... PIMPOLOGY 101!
Richard and Damian, you may want to take notes.
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