"Love yourself first..."

I am sick and tired of this being bandied about in connection to relationships. I am also sick of hearing that relationships are all about 'me'.

It is precisely these attitudes that lead to the break down of marriages and relationships, and until the focus shifts away from our own selfish desires, people are destined to have yet more and more heartache.

Now don't get it twisted. I am not advocating a relationship in which you are not aware of your worth and so allow a partner or spouse to treat you anyway they feel. That is not healthy nor productive. What I am promoting is relationships in which both parties consider the other person's needs and then desires before their own. In doing so it is possible to reach a compromise that does not leave one party feeling as though what they want from life and from the relationship is of no consequence. By constantly saying and viewing the other parties needs as paramount it builds the self confidence and self worth of the other person up as they constantly feel loved and valued, and in a relationship where both parties adopt a similar approach it leads to a relationship that is full of growth.

The belief that relationships are about 'me' leads to a person entering a relationship questioning "What can I get out of this relationship?" as opposed to a much healthier question of "What can I give to this relationship?". Relationships should not just be about feelings, but they should be about growth; both as individuals and as a couple. However in order to do so, at times hard questions need to be asked. The first one being "Is this person right for me?" followed swiftly by "Am I right for this person?". By as much as humanly possible removing emotions from the equation and looking pragmatically and analytically at characteristics it lessens the chance of heartbreak further down the line. A relationship should be based on more than emotions, it should be based on commitment. How often do you hear the line "I just don't love you any more.", or "We just fell out of love" as the reasons behind the breakdown of a relationship? It is because often, albeit not always, these relationships were built on nothing more than intimate feelings. The problem is that when these feelings had been worn away by working pressures, the passage of time and the inevitable knowledge of knowing what the other person was going to say and do before they did it, people are too often left with the harsh reality that they have nothing in common. In fact they are often polar opposites slowly drifting further and further apart.

There are those that might look at the approach of saying that love is not enough to base a relationship on and say "It is better to have loved and lost, than never to have loved at all."; and although there is a strong argument for such sentiments, if you truly love someone, would you knowingly cause them pain to give yourself temporary pleasure?

Loving yourself is not about saying "I am the MOST important person", it is about saying "I AM important", but so often people tend to miss the subtle yet critical difference between these two statements. Loving yourself if about understanding your worth as an individual, but within the context of a relationship it should not have much standing if you have asked the hard questions before entering even the relationship.

Why?

Because you will not need to tell yourself constantly that you are loved and valued, you will not need to reassure yourself that you are important and that the relationship is all about you.

You will feel it.