Fly away...

"If you ever want something badly, let it go. If it comes back to you, then it's yours forever. If it doesn't, then it was never yours to begin with."

That quote is taken from the movie 'Indecent Proposal' and Diana (played by Demi Moore) has split up with her husband due to them both making a mistake. It is a line I have thought about over a number of years now, and I am not sure I can agree with it.

I guess the first issue I take with it is that surely if you really wanted something, or someone so badly you would fight for them. Just to show you how ludicris this statement is, imagine you had a Rolex. A truly pimped out Rolex. Diamonds in the bezel, the face and the strap. Would you allow someone to mug you for it without resistance, and then say "Oh well. Since I really want it, I will let it go in the hope that the nice mugger will return it to me!".

I cannot imagin anyone saying yes to the above scenario, but if you did, please by yourself a nice Rolex. I need a new watch.

My other issues with this statement I guess revolve around the fact that just because someone (because the statement is really about a person), one can never be sure of the reasons that this person is returning to you. In the movie the two main characters do return to each other because they love each other, but lets be real, that's Hollywood. Life is rarely like that.

If someone returns to you it is likely to be because they are alone and know that they can find comfort with you. Or perhaps it is because they have nowhere else to go. At times it may even be because they are bored and having nothing better to do.

Even worse than all of these scenarios perhaps is the fact that the other person might get lost whilst trying to find their way back to you. And that is possibly the cruelest fate of all.

But I did say life is rarely like that. It is good to remember that there are occasional moments of inspiration.

I guess for a few, for the very small minority out there, this statement can come true. And if it does, it is something to be treasured, for we rarely get a second chance at the good things in our life.

I have learnt that the things in life I value, I need to fight for. It is only after fighting for them, that you then let it go free...

Knowning that just because it has returned, it does not mean that it has returned as yours.

"Love yourself first..."

I am sick and tired of this being bandied about in connection to relationships. I am also sick of hearing that relationships are all about 'me'.

It is precisely these attitudes that lead to the break down of marriages and relationships, and until the focus shifts away from our own selfish desires, people are destined to have yet more and more heartache.

Now don't get it twisted. I am not advocating a relationship in which you are not aware of your worth and so allow a partner or spouse to treat you anyway they feel. That is not healthy nor productive. What I am promoting is relationships in which both parties consider the other person's needs and then desires before their own. In doing so it is possible to reach a compromise that does not leave one party feeling as though what they want from life and from the relationship is of no consequence. By constantly saying and viewing the other parties needs as paramount it builds the self confidence and self worth of the other person up as they constantly feel loved and valued, and in a relationship where both parties adopt a similar approach it leads to a relationship that is full of growth.

The belief that relationships are about 'me' leads to a person entering a relationship questioning "What can I get out of this relationship?" as opposed to a much healthier question of "What can I give to this relationship?". Relationships should not just be about feelings, but they should be about growth; both as individuals and as a couple. However in order to do so, at times hard questions need to be asked. The first one being "Is this person right for me?" followed swiftly by "Am I right for this person?". By as much as humanly possible removing emotions from the equation and looking pragmatically and analytically at characteristics it lessens the chance of heartbreak further down the line. A relationship should be based on more than emotions, it should be based on commitment. How often do you hear the line "I just don't love you any more.", or "We just fell out of love" as the reasons behind the breakdown of a relationship? It is because often, albeit not always, these relationships were built on nothing more than intimate feelings. The problem is that when these feelings had been worn away by working pressures, the passage of time and the inevitable knowledge of knowing what the other person was going to say and do before they did it, people are too often left with the harsh reality that they have nothing in common. In fact they are often polar opposites slowly drifting further and further apart.

There are those that might look at the approach of saying that love is not enough to base a relationship on and say "It is better to have loved and lost, than never to have loved at all."; and although there is a strong argument for such sentiments, if you truly love someone, would you knowingly cause them pain to give yourself temporary pleasure?

Loving yourself is not about saying "I am the MOST important person", it is about saying "I AM important", but so often people tend to miss the subtle yet critical difference between these two statements. Loving yourself if about understanding your worth as an individual, but within the context of a relationship it should not have much standing if you have asked the hard questions before entering even the relationship.

Why?

Because you will not need to tell yourself constantly that you are loved and valued, you will not need to reassure yourself that you are important and that the relationship is all about you.

You will feel it.

What is love?

Your heart beat quickens, and deep inside you the butterflies swarm and begin to tickle. Maybe your palms get sweaty, and you get nervous and can't speak properly. Perhaps you even become sexually aroused... But do these reactions equate to love?

I remember feeling that way many years ago about someone. But did I love her?

1 Corinthians 10 says, "Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud. It is not rude, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs. Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth. It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres.".

Looking back at the time that we spent together, I have realised that the time we spent together although some of the happiest times of my life, also some of the most destructive. See, this person knew how to push my buttons, and would at times enjoy doing so. I remember she would get me so mad, I would just have to lash out at something, and by the grace of God it was never her. But love is not easily angered nor does it remember wrongs according to 1Corinthians... So did I ever really love her?

I think I did. But that doesn't mean that she was the right person for me, far from it. In truth she brought out many of the darker sides of my character, and at times made me feel bitter and angry. It might sound bad, but she was a lesson that I had to learn... and a very hard one at that. See, at that time of my life, I had to learn what true love really is, and how to express it.

Love is not about the emotions we feel, but the choices that we make.

Love is learning to forgive even when we don't want to. Love is about staying calm and not allowing hurtful things to leave your mouth in anger. Love is taking time to explain things for the umpteenth time. Love is choosing to put that persons interests ahead of your own.

I'm married now. And I thank God it is to someone who brings out many of my better qualities. Someone who is able to put my needs, wants and interests before her own, and someone with whom I seek to do the same. Someone whom I do not speak in anger to, someone whom I fight against my self nature to be patient with. Someone who has yet to give me cause to need to forgive her!

I guess what I am saying is that I love you Mrs C, and I thank you for all that you have done, and continue to do for me.

Thank you for being the right person for me.