Pimpology 101 Pt.I

Ok.. as promised, here comes Pimpology 101. I wrote this years ago whilst bored at work one day (ahh the things BT paid me to do), so I do not claim to practice (or ever have practiced) what is laid out below.

Hitchhikers Guide to Pimpology
(Pimpology 101)

‘Pimpin’ aint easy’ Jay-Z once said, and although this is true, somebody has got to do it. The mistaken belief however is that everyone can be a pimp, and this simply is not the case. To be a pimp one must be of good moral upstanding, as well as possessing many virtues such as strength, stamina, and a good memory.

Pimpin is a demanding occupation. It requires you to be on call 24/7 and as such leaves no such time for one to have a family; or at least a conventional idea of one. This is due to one of the first rules of pimping and that is that you cannot have a wifey or wife. However, the benefits of this do outweigh the disadvantages as you are still allowed to have many children, AND with many different women should you so choose. Of course, should you be a small time pimp and your hoes are collecting benefits, you are entitled to your usual percentage of their earnings. This can either be collected in cold hard cash or lavish gifts. If you are in the upper echelons of pimp society, then it should come as standard that you will have been receiving these ‘gifts’ already.

As a pimp you will be required to remember small details such as names, are you her primary pimp, when did you last call her/see her etc. Failure to remember such details could lead to a immediate termination of your rights to be one of her pimps or even her primary for this we advocate you either have a damn good memory or a Sony Clio with colour screen and built in digital camera. One small tip to help you get out of a tight fix is to call all your chicks, whether business chicks or pleasure chicks, ‘Hon’. That way you never need to remember names, should you encounter them on the street, you simply greet them with ‘Hey Hon, how you doin?…’. Another tip is that unless you are absolutely sure that you had the contract to be her primary pimp, should you see her on road with another pimp is to keep on walking and take it up with her later. It might be you got it twisted in thinking she was one of your chicks, and she is actually a ho.

To be a pimp you must also be honest. The pimp community frowns upon those that disobey the ninth Biblical commandment, and our first – ‘Thou shalt not lie’. The translation of this means that under no circumstances do you tell a woman ‘Honey, I love you!’ just to hit the twizza. It is a cardinal sin, and is punishable by excommunication. To tell a woman such abominable lies, only to be caught with her sister two days later will bring shame upon the entire order.

In relation to the subject of being caught with another of your women, it is strongly accepted that you adopt one of two stances depending on your level of game. Should your game be strong, we advocate a ‘What’s Your Point Mentality’. This is to have a completely nonchalant attitude to being caught red handed, and if your game has truly reached ‘Iceberg Slim’ proportions, we recommend that you even attempt the line, ‘Hon, the more the merrier! Why don’t you get undressed and come join in?’ (Please note the observation of protocol. No chick has been called by their name). The second stance we advocate is a legal one, it is known as ‘Plausible Deniability’. In other words, make like Shaggy, ‘It wasn’t me!’. If you are ever accused of doing something, deny it. If you are caught in the act of laying pipe, under the theory of plausible deniability you deny everything, including the idea that you are you. As soon as you can you contact one of your boys and get them to provide an alibi. Of course, if neither of the chicks are actually breakers, and the sex isn’t that great you could just give them both the finger and leave.

Do not playa hate or cock block.. No pimp owns a monopoly on any of their chicks. Game is game and it will speak for its self. This means that when another pimp moves onto your territory, you defend yourself not with violence, or by hating, but by bringing your game up to another level. Cock blocking and hating is deemed fratricide and is scorned upon. The laws against cock blocking also apply to unsigned chicks, in which two or more parties are competing for her signature. In relation to playa hating, should any of your crew also be pimps, we recommend that you hold regular business meetings to discuss who is pimping who, and who has made a contract offer to whom. This is to prevent accidental cock blocking. Such meetings are also good for letting one another know who has released whom from contract and is thus back in the ‘chick pool’, after all as the song says, ‘It ain’t no fun if my homies cant have none.’.

It is also advised that those of a weak disposition do not seek to take up such a rigorous occupation. The long hours coupled with the vigorous activity that you will undoubtedly have to undertake to become and stay successful, will take a vicious toll on ones body and those who lack a strong yang will suffer burn out long before their mid 30’s. It is also advised that those of a sensitive disposition do not seek to undertake pimping as it will on occasions be necessary to discipline your chicks. However we do not condone the use of physical force unless used for defence; we are pimps, not woman beaters. Any discipline can be, but not strictly limited to, the withholding of the pipe, a good cussing, or exposing to her that you have just finished giving her best friend/sister/mother/daughter (please delete as applicable) a good beating.


PART 2 COMING SOON